The Joys of Living in Arizona

I was born in beautiful Sierrrrrah Vistaaaah, Arizona, at Sierra Vista Community Hospital, caring closer to hoooome! Well I was almost born in my parents car because my mom waited until the very last second to get her butt to the hospital (she had already had four other kids so knew the drill very well). I have lived in Arizona ever since, and let me tell you, there are some annoying things about this state. 


First, as the rest of Earth knows, it's hotter than Satan's balls here. Yesterday when I left work to go to the gym, it felt like I had walked right into an oven. Here's a pic to show you just how hot it was:

 

Mind you, it was only June 27th...the hottest month is yet to come. So when it's THAT hot outside, you feel like it's kind of hard to inhale because your lungs feel like they are on fire. Then, you actually get into the car which is at least 100 degrees hotter. If you have leather seats, you get to enjoy the 3rd degree burns that are soon to follow your bare skin touching the surface. Also, if you are wearing shorts, you have to peel your skin off the seats and it literally makes the same sound as Velcro being ripped apart. It's not the best feeling. Although, another annoying thing about Arizona is that because it's so frickin hot outside, everyone likes to set their A/C to 60 degrees which means you freeze your ass off all day while you're inside and although it feels like dragon breath outside, you are wearing a sweater inside. So sometimes when I get into a hot car after being in a frozen tundra aka inside, the pain from the heat kind of feels good. If you live in Arizona, please don't be a hippie and for God's sake put deodorant on. You are bound to sweat and no one wants to catch a disgusting whiff of your eau d'onions seeping from your pits. 

So yes, the rumors about it being hot here are true. The reason it's so hot here is because YOU GUESSED IT there's a lot of sunshine. The sun is hot. It's at least...500 degrees. But not only is it hot, but it hates your skin. It will unleash it's wrath upon your shoulders, scalp, legs, the tops of your feet, your eyes, and anything  else that's exposed without the protection of cloth or sunscreen. Sunburns can be extremely painful. They can make you literally sick and not to mention, they are horrible for your skin. Sunburns are damaging like you would not believe. If you don't put sunscreen on here even if you're going outside for only 5 minutes, this will happen to you:

My skin is swollen it's burned so bad...

*Disclaimer, this sunburn actually happened in Rocky Point but you get the idea. My advice to you: don't try to be hard with the sun and take it on without sunscreen or shade. It will literally fuck you up. Also, if you are a damn moron like I was and do get yourself into the same predicament as above, the BEST advice I ever got to cure the pain was this: Take a shower/bath in water as hot as you can stand it. I mean ridiculously hot. So hot that IT almost burns your skin again. I know it sounds stupid and you probably think I'm just saying that so you will try it and hate me for giving you more pain but I promise it works. Something about the heat taking the heat out. You know, like when you eat a really hot pepper the only thing that makes it better is drinking hot water. Well I tried everything on that damn sunburn - Aloe Vera (which does help on much milder sunburns), butter, milk, vinegar, cocoa butter, Vaseline, jiz, you name it. Nothing did the trick other than showering in extremely hot water. There was significantly less pain after each hot water treatment. Then when it does stop hurting, it starts itching. Then you scratch and that brings the pain back. Or some asshole slaps you on the shoulder and it takes everything in you not to reach for your glock (Arizona is a gun loving state btw) and shoot that mofo right in the face. Anyhow, then your skin starts peeling and it's freaking gross because there are literally flakes EVERYWHERE. Enough skin flakes to make Goldmember get a hard on.

Alrighty. We've established that it's hot as hell in AZ and the sun will shred your skin. Another annoying and quite terrifying and sometimes disgusting thing about Arizona is the wildlife here.  The other morning I woke up to a tickly feeling on my arm and something told me to open my eyes and look at it. It was a caca-roach! :( I freaking hate cockroaches. They are the scum of the earth and so freaking disgusting! Of course I freaked out and flicked that fucker so far away from me (I later found it in the bathroom on it's dumb back struggling to turn over). Then another time I was enjoying a nice stroll around the block with a coworker while on a work break, when much to my terror a giant, vicious javelina was just feet away from us. Luckily, those things are dumber than cockroaches so it didn't realize it was there. Thank goodness it didn't smell us otherwise we would have been javelina snack. I am not kidding, those things are mean, disgusting animals and while their babies are cute, the parents will literally fuck you up. I came to find out that there was a family of killer javelinas living in the storm drain pipes under Valencia. We ran into the dad and let me tell you - he was gross. Here's a picture of him enjoying a nice grass feast.

I have been afraid of these beasts my whole life. Then, one evening I went to a pottery class with best friend Aidalys. Well she came over for dinner first, and when I opened the door for her she said "Is that real?" and I didn't know what she was talking about. Well it turns out it was a disgusting scary vinegaroon, also known as the spawn of Satan cross between a spider and a scorpion. I took two pictures of this mother fucker, just so you can see how HUGE it is. I did NOT dispose of that; instead I left the man job for the Man to handle.

Gnomey was scared!

EEEEEEEEE!!

There's also a lot of snakes that live in Arizona. One night I was enjoying some fresh air on a walk with my sister, and when we were just in front of the neighbor's house, the Hand of God grabbed my head and made me to look down just as my foot was about to make contact with a RATTLESNAKE'S HEAD!!! Now, I don't have a picture of this snake (I had one but it was on a phone I got rid of) but my sister Jess can vouche for the trueness of the story. I am not even exaggerating at ALL on this one. I was literally centimeters away from the rattler's head and he was about 3 feet long, no joke. It was the scariest split second of my life. As soon as I saw it I jumped out of the way, screamed "OH FUCK!!! THAT'S A SNAAAAAKE!!!" as I grabbed Jess' arm for dear life then shivered violently from being so creeped out. It took me a good half hour to get my heart rate back down to a normal rate. it was quite scary. Here is a picture of a much smaller, cuter snake that me and The Man saw in Prescott. (I actually really like snakes and am fascinated by them, I just know which ones not to mess with because they will literally fuck you up).

One more sad and terrible thing about Arizona is the wildfires. I'm sure you've all heard of the most recent and devastating AZ wildfires, the Wallow Fire which has burned over 500,000 acres, and the Monument Fire (sadly in my hometown) which burned over a 47 square mile area and both fires destroyed many homes. People tend to be careless and NOT listen to Smoky the Bear. I saw some asshole on the freeway threw out a cigarette butt and I wish I could have called the cops on him. It is seriously bone dry and everything will ignite with the smallest trigger. You can look at a mesquite tree the wrong way and it will spontaneously combust. Sad sad sad.

BUT!

Even with all that, there is no other place I'd rather be. Arizona is my home and I plan on it staying that way. It is absolutely beautiful here. I love the desert - all the saguaros, mesquites, palo verdes, and how everything is on a tan backdrop. The mountains here are gorgeous and the sunsets are the best in the whole wide world. This isn't even the best picture - it was taken with my cell phone from my cul-de-sac and look how amazing it is:

The sun shines waaay more often than not, and when it does rain here, it's beautiful. The Monsoon season is my favorite time of the year. There is something so humbling the way the sky is split by a defined line of pouring rain and sunshine, the amazing lightning shows, and the smell of ozone and creosote. When it rains, the plants perk up and come to life - cactus flowers bloom, trees and bushes turn bright green, and everything feels sparkly clean. Frogs come out to play, and it cools down enough to enjoy wine on the porch. I can't wait for Monsoons to start this year, and I saw a glimpse of it today!! :D 

Aside from the fires (and sometimes flooding from Monsoons), there are no natural disasters here - no earthquakes, no tornadoes, no hurricanes. I would be scared to death to live in Tornado Alley or in California, where with each quake they are closer to falling off into the ocean...

Even though there are a lot of scary creepy animals here, there are also a lot of awesome ones. For example, the kangaroo rat is one of the cutest rodents ever invented. Lizards and snakes are freaking awesome (I used to catch horney toads with my brother Kenny). Bunnies are cute (there was a family of four babies living in my yard at one point) and the birds are always very interesting EXCEPT pigeons, they can rot in hell for all I care. There's lots of places where you can go here to watch hummingbirds in swarms.There are even some neat bugs, believe it or not. Like butterflies, stick bugs, and lady bugs. I also thoroughly enjoy the sound of crickets. Although I don't think any those bugs are Arizona native... Anyhow, I love living here and I would not want to live anywhere else in the world. At least at the moment. (: Seriously, it's the best state in the USA. I'm proud to be an Arizonan.