The Very Best of Tess: Network Services

So a few folks had me reminiscing about my old blog. Well, it wasn't really me, it was a penname me. Her name was Tess, and she was the more immature, angry, vulgar version of me. It was a way to anything and everything, without filter. I decided to put a few on here, in a "The Very Best of Tess" series for when I don't have that much to talk about but I can still give you something to read. Please keep in mind this was an alter ego and I was 19 when I started that blog... There's some bad language and gross things, just to warn you.  Here's the first one I can share with you, she titled it "Network Services" for some reason. " Also, this note might help "puta tia" refers to every woman's monthly visitor.



Today I came in at 5. That's because I have a stupid doctor's appointment. Anyhow, I think you might have noticed that I haven't been blogging so much lately. That's because I started coming in at 7 like I wanted to. It's soooo much nicer. Of course, it sucks getting out at 3:30, but it could be worse. Like, I could work 9-5:30 or some shit like 10-7:00. So what does coming in at 7 have to do with blogging, you might ask? Well, everyone is pretty much here at 7, which ruins my myspace life. I don't have that extra hour anymore to just sit here and not work and blog all day more than you. So I am sorry my friends. But, as a friend (Candass) told me, I'm not so funny anymore now that I am not so angry any more. Now that I don't want to kill people and blow up the building because I have to answer the phone I guess I suck at blogging? Maybe it's not so funny because people don't find ordinary happy people funny. They just love to laugh at other people's pain, misery, and anger.  SO excuse me. But I guess you still have something to laugh at because I'm always on a deathbed and all. Speaking of deathbed, I have felt sicker and sicker and I'm pretty much going to tell my dermatolagist that I'm tired of the Accutane ruining my life and I want to stop taking it. Piece of shit "strongest medication" doesn't even work anyway. I mean look at this picture of me:  The zits just WON'T go away. And neither will my stupid ass puta tia. IS SHE DONE visiting? I am so sick and tired of her! She can rot in hell for all I care. Damn that Eve, damn her to hell! Because if it wasn't for her poor judgement, we wouldn't have this crazy thing, called love. Oh snap I mean periods. But for you men I'm sure you don't want to hear about it. Oh god, yeah whenever my asshole husband tries to bitch me out for being moody while it's "that time of the month" all I have to say to him (or any of YOU men who try to say it couldn't be that bad) is: when you start bleeding from your penis hole and have to shove a stick of cotton attached to a string up the hole to absorb the excretions, THEN you can start telling me it's not so bad. When you start to get bloated and gassy and get cramps so bad it's hard to sit up straight, THEN you can start telling me it's not so bad. When you get a mountain zit every single month before your penis starts bleeding, and your appetite doubles and everyone asks you the stupidest questions you don't want to answer, THEN you can start telling me it's not so bad. But don't you ever ever ever ever dare make any kind of rude comments and ONLY coddle me when the bitch comes twice in one month. That shit sucks so hard it makes me want to rip out my insides and say "THERE NOW YOU HAVE A REASON TO BLEED!!!" Anyhow, the point of the story is Yes, it really is that bad. So don't bitch. Only we can do/ be that. Once a month. Get used to it. Sometimes twice a month and the second time is always twice as bad. So be NICE! 

 like this puppy.