Dreams You'd Like to Sell

Sometimes I have really vivid dreams. Well, most of the time actually, but sometimes I remember them really well. I had this idea of turning my dreams into children's books, and sometimes they would be a good children's book, then other times it would turn out to be a big incoherent mess that everyone in the room is now dumber for having listened to that and may God have mercy on my soul.

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The other night, I happened to have one of those crazy dreams that didn't make no sense, and I was lucky enough to remember it in the morning. I even told my domestic partner about it, and I think he really contemplated breaking up with me after that. I'll share the dream with you here, or as much of it as I can remember.

It started out - my domestic partner asked if I wanted to go golfing with him (he is an avid golfer and could probably qualify for the US Open or something, or maybe that's the tennis one, idk) so I agreed. So we got to the golf course and instead of it being a golf course, it was more like one of those big green courtyard with Italian Cypress trees everywhere and big hedged bushes like the ones in mazes. Imagine: Gwen Stefani's What You Waiting For music video.

I wondered how the heck we were going to play golf when there was no course and no holes and no golf carts or anything. Then, we got to this big brown run down barn and inside were a bunch of rounded stones with flat tops configured like little mazes, and my domestic partner said "You're going to move your ass!" and I had to run though all the mazes until he said it's ok to stop. Well, there was a race set up, and bleachers to watch the race, so my domestic partner said I can stop so we could watch it. All of the cars were these lime green drag cars that are really big, and inside the drag cars were tiny little Honda Civics inside. The drivers were my nephews Brett, Kian, Johnny, and Parker. The only thing I could think of was WHY ARE THEY DRIVING? THEY ARE JUST BABIES!! But my entire family was there watching. My friend Annie was also there, and both of my brothers were sitting awkwardly close to her and hitting on her. That's the last I remember about the race.

The next thing I knew, my sister Jess and I were walking through a neighborhood. It must have been on a hill or something, because the houses on the streets were on top of each other, and the streets we were windy and curvy. The further we walked, there was more and more stuff in the way, like really dry, dead tree branches that we had to push out of the way. We noticed that every house had a different kind of dog, so we stopped at each yard to see. One yard had a tiny little baby woolly mammoth, but it didn't have tusks, so it looked like a tiny Snuffaluffagus the size of a baby pig.

Instead of it being cute and cuddly like it looked, it bared vicious teeth and tried attacking Jess like a rabid animal. We got scared and ran the heck out of there. We ended up in this crazy mad house maze, with stairs like escalators that we could never get to the top of. All of the walls were painted really bright colors, like purple, orange, bright pink, lime green, blue, etc. There were also mirrors on the walls and people walking around like zombies. Some of the people had animal faces. I saw a giraffe man, a pig man, and a chick with a bird face. While we were trying to find our way through this crazy place, I realized I was dreaming. The instant I realized that, every one's faces turned towards me and my sister, and became covered in tissue paper.

It was very Inception-y. All of the dream people immediately came after us, and we remembered we were on a mission. Our mission was to recover a box of body parts. So we continue to make our way through the crazy maze building, and end up outside on the streets in the night time. Three men in suits were running away from us, and then we knew they had the box of body parts we needed. We chased them on foot, and they ran right into the middle of an intersection, where three cars crashed. They tried to car jack one of them, and that's when me and Jess caught up to them. As the men were getting into the car to make their get away, we pulled out our guns and shot the three guys dead. We recovered the box! Then I had to pee so I woke up...

The end.