Gobble Gobble Goo and Gobble Gobble Gickle

I'm gonna eat that poor turkey

I wish turkey only cost a nickel. BUT it doesn't. Last year, the Domestic Partner bought two 24 pound turkeys for only SIX dollars each. Yes six, not sixty. We got 48 pounds of delicious bird for only $12.00 measly dollars. It was grand. This year we couldn't find such a great deal, but still it was pretty good.

Anyhoo, today is Thanksgiving. Thanksgiving is pretty much one of the best inventions ever, and although I don't believe that horseshit of pilgrims and Native Americans playing nice, I still love love love the holiday. I am a fat kid on the inside, and there is nothing better than a day of guilt-free gluttony. Ok, well I still do kind of feel guilty because there are a lot of families that can't afford a Thanksgiving feast. But, I'm not here to talk about all the things that make me sad, I'm here to talk about Thanksgiving. On Thanksgiving, you're supposed to talk about everything that you are thankful for. Well, since I am a cold hearted bitch, I'm going to talk about all the things I'm bitter about for not having. Just kidding, I'm no different than the rest of the USofA that talks about it. So here I go.

Wait, before I start, there is one thing that I'm NOT thankful for on Thanksgiving, and that's raw turkey. Poultry is so so so so gross raw. I hate how it's all slimy and stinky and leaks that light tan stinky sticky juice that causes dysentery or some junk. It's totally gross and my Domestic Partner makes fun of me for being so anal about cleanliness and not getting raw turkey juice everywhere. Today I asked him to poke it because I didn't know if it was thawed enough yet, and it was still in the package, and he thought I was nuts for asking (actually demanding) that he wash his hands before going back to working on the computer. "Look," I said, "I don't want my man or me to die of salmonella!" The end.

Now, for the real reason I was going to blog (which by the way I know that I have been severely neglectful of my blogging duties, however the laptop was sick with a Ukrainian virus, hence it was at PC Solutions getting fixed) which is to talk about why I am so thankful. Here are the things I am thankful for, in no particular order.

 I am thankful for the people in my life. I have a great family who has always loved me even though I am weird and gangly and suck at keeping in touch. Both of my parents are still alive and they are really nice and stay out of my personal life. My family truly knows the meaning of unconditional love, that that is really neat. I am thankful that my brothers aren't over protective jerks but I know that if I asked them to, they would beat anyone up for me. There aren't enough words to explain how thankful I am for my sisters - they are my best friends and are always there for me in times of need. They are so funny and loving and I couldn't ask for better sisters. I am thankful for my boyfriend. Who knows where I would be without him. He is truly wonderful-the very meaning of a partner. He's got my back no matter what and loves me for who I am, even though I may not be a 10 or have a cellulite free ass. He puts up with my bullshit, and doesn't run away screaming when my psycho hormones take over. He is one of the funnest people I have ever met, and I enjoy every second by his side. Like he tells me, I have met my match. I am thankful for my two best friends in the wide world, Aidalys and Carina. They have been the friends who have stuck by me in the shittiest times ever, and the ones I can get into trouble with and know that no one will ever know about it. (Well, Adam might find out about it, but that's what happens when you're also married to your BFF, you have to tell him everything ;)) They make me laugh and are honest, even if what they have to say isn't what I want to hear. We can tell each other when we're being assholes, and can go weeks without talking then pick right back up where we left off when we do get together. I heart you, people in my life.

I am thankful for my health. I don't get sick very often, and my biggest complaint is that I've been getting headaches and migraines more frequently lately, but aside from that, I'm pretty much in ship shape. I am thankful that I don't have to deal with a chronic, or worse, terminal illness, my body isn't broken, and I can do things for myself without assistance.

I am thankful that I am doing ok financially, but not so okay that I forget to appreciate material things or necessities in life. I have never been rich by any means, mostly I've been poor or broke, so I appreciate the fact that I can pay my bills on time and have food at the table. There are so many people who struggle, and I am extremely grateful that I have a warm bed to sleep in every night. I am thankful that I grew up the way I did, because it taught me the value of working hard and the value of a dollar.

I am thankful for my job. Sometimes I get bored but then I realize I have a pretty freakin awesome job. I'm not accountable to too much since I am a middle man. I don't have to deal with the public, I don't take phone call after phone call, and I can show up and leave whenever I need to. I have a boss that stays out of my hair, but still helps me when I need it. I have a super quiet cubicle, and I don't sit too close to any assholes. Considering I chose not to go to college, I make a decent salary that could support me alone if I really needed it to.

I am thankful for my car. The Versa is so dependable and has never given me a headache, ever. I see people broken down on the side of the road, and think about how much it would suck if that happened to me, because aside from calling my insurance company or the Domestic Partner for help, I would have no clue what to do. I still wish it was an autobot, though.

I am thankful for my happiness. It's taken me a little bit to get here, but I am truly happy. I wish that everyone were as happy as I am - I honestly believe that the world would be a better place if that were the case.

I am thankful that I live in a country that doesn't make be live a certain way or believe in a certain god, or suppress me for being a woman or even give a shit if I don't vote. I am thankful that I can say whatever I want wherever I want (well I take that back, I can't say "bomb" on a plane or "fire" in a theater). I think I would be a very UNhappy person if the government told me how to live.

I am thankful for:

Chipotle

Nail polish

The internet

Cereal

Smart phones

Latex gloves

Potatoes

Music

Air Conditioning

Wal Mart

Police

Sushi

Dildos

Movies

DVR

Rainbows

Gnomes

My bed

and lots and lots and lots of other millions and trillions of things

Happy Thanksgiving, everyone!!

This Wouldn't Happen If I Had A Penis!

Oh, where do I begin? The other day I posted a status on Facebook about how sometimes it really sucks being a woman. If you are not a woman, aka a man, you will never ever understand what it is like, and congratulations, because lots of times, it sucks. I think in this clip, (click on the link)while Leslie Knope explains why/how she shot her boss Ron Swanson (who is, by the way, the best made for TV character EVER) in the head, she is really just reciting normal thoughts that run through our womanly minds every day. Yes, it is true. We are bat-shit crazy.

As I write this blog, I want you to know that some part of me (the vagina) is speaking for all women. If some chick claims not to be crazy on some level, or at least sometimes, she is lying to you. I don't mean to be this way, I really don't. Neither do 95% of women. There is a 5% though, that are just crazy bitches and there's nothing else to it. It's those 5% that us 95% look at and think wow, that bitch is CRAZY. Anyway, I usually get my craziest around "that time of the month". Seriously, hormones fucking suck and if you say that can't be an excuse, you have never experienced it. When a woman is being overtaken by her psychotic hormones, there is NOTHING she can do to stop whatever it is she is doing. I can't help myself from eating really crappy food. Other times, I can't help myself from crying while watching Disney movies. But what I really really HATE is when I act crazy for no damn reason. Or when I start talking nonsense, and while I'm talking, the inside of my head is saying SHUT UP YOU ARE TALKING CRAZY AND ANNOYING and I just can't stop talking because the insanity has taken over.

Being an emotional basket case is really frustrating. I haven't had an outburst in a very, very long time of anger, but lately it's been that I can't control being sad or whiny or just a baby in general. REALLY annoying. I can't help that my feelings are hurt at the stupidest things ever or that I get sad at songs or commercials that aren't really sad at all. No, I'm not pregnant, so if you were thinking that, you are first of all insane because I've come up with a list of about 184,784,657,013 reasons of why I don't want kid(s), but also because I take birth control religiously. I've talked to my domestic partner about it, and I'm pretty sure it's a culmination of a lot of things, but I feel like I'm slowly getting out of this phase. Which is good, because if I didn't, I'd have to kick my own ass.

When I was around people I didn't like all the time (when I worked in the previous department I was in), I would have bouts of anger which usually ended up in me cussing a lot or storming off with smoke piping out from every hole in my body in sheer rage. Now that I am around hardly anyone most of the time at work (I am a business analyst which means I am a individual contributor aka social outcast)[god damn it I just chipped my fucking nail polish which I JUST did] I find myself having these really crazy conversations with myself. Seriously, they are CRAZY. Like, I have these arguments with myself. Usually it's crazy Michelle talking to normal Michelle, and normal Michelle is always telling crazy Michelle "Seriously, just shut the fuck up already, you are ACTING CRAZY. You are being illogical and really pissing me the shit off" or something like that. It's kind of creepy, then I get nervous that I am one of those people that constantly whisper to themselves, because they don't realize they are actually whispering out loud because they are crazy. Well, now I am just sounding really crazy...Take it from me. If you are a man and you have a girlfriend or a wife or a boyfriend who thinks he is really a girl, I speak for all of us when I say:

I'm sorry for being crazy sometimes. I can't help it, and if you just give me a minute without judgement, I will be better. Hug me and give me something greasy to eat and I will be nicer a LOT faster.

In other news - I'm not 24 anymore! I had my golden birthday, and yes, it was just as glorious as having a golden shower. I had one of the most fabulous weekends of all time. It was full of sisters and friends and gays and music and dancing and drinking and domestic partner and love and gifts and and and all of the glitter and rainbows a girl could ask for. I have graduated into the next age bracket, which means I am officially no longer a kid. So in celebration of that, I am going to continue the tradition of Annoying Things People Older Than You Do and refer to anyone that kind of possibly looks like they may be younger than me as "kid". It will be grand. I watch Teen Mom, it's one of my guilty pleasures. Well Dr. Drew tells Farrah (who is one of my favorite moms even though her voice is atrocious and she is spoiled) that it's time she let go of her childhood. Well, luckily I didn't get knocked up when I was 16 so, I don't have to do that. Plus, when I think about it, I don't think I really had any childhood dreams. Hmm...Let's see. I always wished I was a centaur but I guess I let go of that childhood dream once I realized that you can't really "grow up" into another animal, real or fantastical...

Man, I just realized how I've never had any real goals in life. I guess now that I am a quarter of a century old, I should make some up.

Goal #1: don't have kids
Goal #2: win the lottery
Goal #3: become a centaur..wait, shit.

I Can't Wear Hats Cause My Head's Too Big

I'm not kiddin', my head's like Sputnik; spherical but quite pointy at parts! I have the unmistakable, unforgiving Weber Head Curse. It's so big. It's hard to find sunglasses that fit. Wearing headbands is pretty much unbearable, and I don't wear hats because it cuts off the circulation to the top quarter of my head. Having a big head isn't really all that bad, because then I like to tell people that's where I store all my brains and that's why I'm so gosh darn smart. The forehead compartment is especially large for this purpose.

Let's get pissed!

There are times, however, that I feel bad about the size of my head. Like, if I decide to crimp my hair my head looks extraordinarily large. But the time that I feel worse about it is when I am in pictures next to people with normal sized heads. Like my domestic partner. Check it out, I'm not making it up:



Where's Jeff? Oh, Michelle's head ate him.

 I have a big head. The end.

So tonight I had the scare of a lifetime. It was seriously creepy. Really creepy. I was in my bathroom, minding my own business scrubbing the toilet when I heard the garage door open. At first, I thought it was the A/C, but it sounded much too loud for that. Then, I thought, maybe it's the neighbor's garage door but that was much too loud for that too. Then, I got really super duper excited because I thought my domestic partner may have come home early to surprise me, but not only was I not that lucky, but I was wrong on that too. So I stopped scrubbing the toilet to go see, and by the time I opened the door to the garage, the garage door was already shutting. Still thinking it might be J, I went around to the driveway, since the way I parked would have made it impossible to park in the garage. Luckily, some killer didn't break in because I was not armed. Anyway, it was really creepy and by that time I realized that it was NOT my domestic partner. I went inside and grabbed the biggest knife I own and looked around for any suspicious behavior. Nothing. No one inside, no one outside, no nothing. :( I think the ghosts have returned. 

When I say I think the ghosts returned, when my sister lived with me, we had ghosts. I blame it on the fact that her and her weirdo kids loved to watch shows like Ghost Hunters and Ghost Stories and Haunted Houses and all those cochinadas. Anyway, when I studied the Bible, I was told that those kinds of things "invite" demons/spirits in to your home and HOMIE DON'T PLAY DAT. I do not mess around with that kind of stuff because lo and behold my house became haunted. Anyway, things that would happen were creepy but not as direct as tonight. For example, the pictures in the house are always turned crooked even after fixing them (the domestic partner says this is from the door to the garage slamming shut), dishes in the cubbord one night all fell over simultaneously, once the contents of my purse were poured out all over the floor while I was sleeping, we'd wake up in the middle of the night and the A/C had been turned to like 50 degrees and we'd be freezing our balls off, and the last thing that I can remember off the top of my head is that the smoke detectors would all go off randomly at the same time and beep like 6 or 8 times then shut off by themselves. So all of those creepy things would happen and when my sister moved out, it all stopped happening. It's like they got into the car with her and left too. Well tonight SOMETHING made the garage door open and shut by itself and it scared me. These ghosts are friendly but they like scaring people. Maybe they do it cause it's so GD funny like when I scare the bejesus out of my domestic partner and he cold cocks me right in the throat because he has the fight reaction. Anyway, I went through the whole house doing a security inspection (with a golf club) and everything is fine. 

In other news - I got flipped off today. Again. I get flipped off a lot. A lot of people must want to do me. This idiot was going 65 miles per hour on the freeway, so I passed her on the right. Then, she speeds up only to cut off the truck in front of me then get off at the same exit I do. Then her dumbass turns into the McDonald's (she was probably going to have a heart attack if she didn't get that Big Mac down her throat soon) and as she turned she flipped me off. I was like REALLY? REALLY YOU STUPID IDIOT? I hate bad drivers. I hate them. Seriously, women, you are giving us the bad driving name. Nine times out of ten when someone pisses me off on the road it's a WOMAN. No wonder everyone makes fun of you for driving like assholes. You deserve it. This is starting to sound more like a gear grinder blog so let me just go ahead and change the subject.

I hate gnats. They are stupid. I think I inhaled one today.

Good news at the job - I had a 1:1 with my new manager (but he's not new, just newly promoted) and he said that I'm doing a great job and well on my way to a promotion "and beyond", like Buzz Lightyear, only in the real world. Also, I will be able to begin Green Belt training again, which is exciting, because I think I would really enjoy the whole Six Sigma thing. Anyway, I don't want to talk about work because it's boring, but Yahoo! Yahoo for school! Yahoo for me!

10 Things I Hate About You

Oops I mean Ten Things You Don’t Know About Me. Sometimes I can’t help myself with the movie lines. Sorry about that.  My sister in law Robin tagged me to do a meme, which unbeknownst to me prior to this, a meme is an idea or way of thinking that spreads throughout a population of people. Kind of like a disease, only of the mind. When I first saw the word, I thought it was a memo, only about me, which I kind of like better. Anyway, this meme is Ten Things Nobody Knows About Me. Now, I have told a lot (probably 99.9% of them) to my domestic partner, and if I haven’t told him, I’ve told one of my bffs or sisters or some stranger on a bus. So there MIGHT be something(s) on this list that you did already know, so sorry about that too.


I'm not the Asian at the piano.



1.      I love to sing. If I know the lyrics or some of the lyrics to the song that's playing, I'm gonna sing it. So if you're one of those people that says "Who sings this song?" [answer] "then let them sing it" just shut up because I'm not going to let them sing it. Plus, if you ask me that question I will say I DO bitch! I sing mostly in the car and in the shower. Although, I don't want to irritate my domestic partner too much, so if it's in the shower I try to keep it not so loud. When I was in high school, I sang "The Sun" by Maroon 5 for the Seniors on Stage show. Here's of a picture of me. I had this whole idea of like a lounge singer type deal.  It was one of the highlights of my life. (Ok maybe not but it was still pretty frickin awesome) It was so exciting and people seemed to think I did an ok job, so I don't think I'm too terrible at singing. My domestic partner says he likes it when I sing because it means I'm happy. :) He's right. He's also hot, in case you didn't know.

2.      I’m 97% sure I don’t want to have kids. If you are a parent, please try not to take offense to this. I love kids, and I think kids are great. They are little joys and honestly the best stress relief ever (unless the kid is an asshole). I just don't know if being a mom is for me. I am really selfish and I don't think I can give up my ME time or my time with my domestic partner. He is kind enough to share his daughter with me,  and she is perfect, so why would I need to have another kid? Honestly I am afraid of ruining my body and my vagina. Also, my heart would break for my child knowing that they are going through something hard, like every person on the face of the planet does. I would cry with my baby if he/she was sick, had a hard time in school, didn't have any friends, got broken up with, fell down, etc etc etc. Having a kid is FOREVER and I don't know if I have the strength to make it through forever being responsible for another human being. And once I'm not responsible, I think I'd be just as heart broken that my child would want to leave me for college or a boyfriend or girlfriend or husband or wife or career or WHATEVER. There's still a 3% chance that I might change my mind one day, but for now, I'm not thinking about having a baby any time within the next 43 years.

3.      I don’t think marriage is necessary. Again, don't get offended if you are happily married. I give kudos to you husbands and wives who are married and in love. It's just that so many marriages today are UNhappy ones and the shitty part about marriage is that they are so hard and ugly to get out of. Especially when you have kids because there is a lot of hate (at least for the most part) involved in divorce. Seriously, it should be just as hard to get married as it is to get divorced, because then I think people would take marriage more seriously. Maybe I am still severely shell-shocked from my divorce but really I think that being in a loving, committed relationship is just as good as marriage. I like the feeling knowing that my man is with me and wants to be with me, even though he is free to leave without having to go through 3 months to 18 years of agonizing divorce. Again, if you are married and it's working for you, congratulations. I have absolutely nothing against married folks and if you want to get married, go for it. I will be happy for you and support you in your decisions. Just make sure it's what you really want, because divorce is the worst experience ever. I would rather go to the dentist every day for a year than go through another divorce. And I HATE the dentist. Also, keep in mind that when you get married, you're kind of marrying into that person's family too. So you should make sure that his mom isn't a cunt, because she will end up ruining your lives.

4.      I can make 3 tacos with my tongue. Look, see? (Also, my nostrils are crooked, there's a bonus thing you didn't know about me, unless you noticed already)



Congratulations, you're ugly!



5.      I’m extremely insecure and really full of myself at the same time. Maybe this is just part of being a woman and I hate it sometimes but hey, it's the way I am. I think I am insecure because I kind of had a hard time growing up (see my other post, I Am My Hair). In my mind, I'm still that geeky, gangly, awkward, weird kind of ugly chick. Also, and I think this is normal for every woman (unless you are REALLY full of yourself and a total narcissist) to see that other chicks are hotter or prettier or more beautiful or have better boobs or better legs or a better butt or no cellulite on their legs or no acne scars or straight nostrils or whatever then just kind of feel a little shittier about yourself. So, I guess I'm a little insecure in the looks department. But then, other times I see myself and I think, wow I'm really pretty or I see my body and think wow, I'm not that bad so it's really not so bad. I'm also really super shy (I know, you probably don't believe me) but when I meet new people, I get nervous and don't really know what to talk about. I seem to be too inappropriate for most people. BUT on the other hand, I think I'm really full of myself. I know I have a great personality and I know I'm a very loyal, very good friend. I know I am a great girlfriend, a great sister, and have a great personality. When I love someone I love them with everything I have and I know that no one will treat that person better than I will. So I guess that maybe growing up ugly and weird gave me a complex about my looks, but it made me make up for it with a personality. Yay! Also, I know I can be great at anything I want. Not just good, but great. Maybe I feel that way because I've never failed miserably at anything I've tried, and I tend to be naturally good at everything, but I truly believe in myself and know I can achieve greatness in anything I set my mind to.

6.      I’m a worrier with anxiety attacks. I think I get this trait from my mom. I always go immediately to worse case scenario, and I hate it. Sometimes to the point where I get anxiety attacks. If someone isn't home when they're supposed to be, or if I tell someone "text me when you get home" and I haven't heard from them, I automatically think they got into a horrific accident or they are getting butt raped in some dark alley. I hate being a worry wart, and I even googled a few ways to stop worrying. I liked this one website, which talks about condensing all faults into one or something like that, but I can't find it now. A lot of times, I just have to tell the Michelle in my head to shut the hell up. That sounded kind of schitzo...

7.      I can not stand judgemental people. The other night The Man and I were watching some show, I think it was Dallas Most Eligible or something, but there was this chick on there who automatically hated this one chick and was super rude to her for the simple fact that she was a single mom out for dinner one night. She started questioning why she wasn't still married and why she was so young and divorced with a baby who was at home motherless while the mom was busy being a whore eating dinner. I can not STAND when people judge others. Listen, I am not a person to get all holy or religious, but this is one thing I truly believe about God and Jesus - it's THEIR job to judge us, not ours. We should not be judging other people by their covers or by the way they live their lives. Their choices are theirs, and it's not anyone's place to judge. I like Howard Stern's way of thinking. He pretty much doesn't give a shit about what other people do or say as long as it doesn't affect him at all. Seriously, don't be judgemental. Don't tell me how to live my life and don't give me your opinion if I don't ask for it. I couldn't care less about what you think of me or my life. Ok, there are two instances that I will judge other people. I think you are a worthless sack of shit who should not be on the face of this planet if you are

     a. someone who hurts children, emotionally, sexually or physically

     b. racist or hate others because of their nationality, creed, religioun, sexual orientation, etc

8.      I don’t care and I care too much at the same time. This is kind of like #5 in a way. When I care about something or someone, I care about it 100%. I don't half ass anything. So, If I consider you a true friend, I expect you to be as good of a friend to me as I am to you. If I commit to something, I follow through and I do not want to let anyone down once I say YES to soemthing or decide to do something. Let your yes mean yes and your no mean no. I get really sensitive about people or things I care about, and I can get really ethnic on your ass if you try to hurt those I care about or talk badly about things/people I care about. For everything else, I am extremely apathetic. Also, if you have given me a good reason not to like you, you are as good as dead to me. I don't care about your life anymore or anything that happens in it or to you.

9.      I eat very strange combinations of things, like cheese and honey, eggs and Tapatio, carrots and salsa, peanut butter and popcorn, peanut butter and bananas stuffed with pretzels, applesauce and coffee creamer, ice cream and french fries, mashed potatoes with barbeque sauce...the list could go on and on...

10.     I hate being stared at, so don't stare at me or I will say STOP LOOKING AT ME SWAN really loud to you.

Technology

I wish I had a time machine.

 

I read these stories on findadeath.com, like the story of Lizzie Borden, and how in another time it was so easy and so hard to do stuff, all at the same time. For example, in the olden days (and I’m not going to all research happy, so don’t think I only mean this about the 1890’s or anything) I bet it sucked to take a shower. Or bath, whatever it was back in those days. It probably sucked living in hot places too, since there was no AC. It probably sucked when you spilled old paint on your dress and you have to burn it instead of just using some Shout to get it out. That rhymed. But anyway, in the case of Lizzie Borden, it was easy for her to kill her parents (or should I say father and step mother) because back in the day there weren’t any forensics with DNA or anything like that. Plus she was a Sunday school teacher, so no way would she brutally hack her parents with an axe. That’s absurd. So, I’m saying, life in general probably sucked ass back in the day because you didn’t have stuff like AC or a washing machine or tampons or a TV or paved roads or deodorant or God knows what else. But, one thing that was really easy was killing people and getting away with it. Or committing any crime, really. Not that I want to be a criminal or anything, I was just thinking about how nuts it is that this chick got off scott free even though she clearly did it, just because it was a long long time ago in an old, old wooden ship and no one wanted to convict such a nice young lady of murder. If I lived back in the day I’m sure I would have been a criminal of some sort. I probably would have stolen from bad people and gave it to the poor AKA myself like Robin Hood.

Those'r some sexy tights

 

Another reason I wish I had a time machine was so that I could go into the future and do really awesome things with the technology that will come out. Like, I imagine that in the future a car will be invented that doesn’t run on gasoline and is efficient as shit. For crying out loud, it is 2011, why the hell are we still pumping our cars with gas and changing tires and stuff? Really, car makers, get on that shit. Also, I think in the future there won’t be any more cell phones, it’s just going to be like a micro chip installed in your brain where all you have to do is think about calling someone and voila! You are connected with that person. Like telepathy, only you have to talk out loud. They’d have to do something crazy with that though, because I imagine that sounds inside your head are much much louder than sounds outside of your head. But perhaps the most exciting thing about the future is the eyeCamera. No, not the iCamera, the eyeCamera. I thought about this invention yesterday on my 50 mile drive home. I thought, wouldn’t it be really super neat if there was technology to turn your eyes into a camera? Forget having to carry that stuff around, turn it on, focus, push a button, blah blah blah. This (much like the installed-into-your-brain-phone) would be some thingie only better yet an external pack, like a ring you could wear could somehow to read the messages in your eye to your brain and capture it as a photograph. Then later, you could download all the images you’ve saved to whatever other awesome technology device. I do a lot of driving and see a lot of neat things I’d like to share while out there in the wilderness. Yesterday, the thing I saw that I wanted to share with everyone but didn’t want to take my hands off the wheel, turn on my phone, get to the camera ap, focus, and snap the shot all while driving, was one of those Big Wheels. This was a girl’s Big Wheels, which looked like a huge pink Barbie car. This Barbie car was strapped on the back of a ginormous trailer that had other really important looking cargo on it. It was cute. 

It’s just crazy how nowadays there is technology for everything, but somehow some things seem so NOT advanced. For example, my previous comments about the car. You would think they would have found a way to make a car efficiently run on electricity, or solar power, or air. SOMETHING! Plus it’s 2011 and I don’t want to have to do anything but THINK about doing something and I want it done. I don’t want to have to carry so many different things to do all things. I don’t want a phone and an iPod and a camera and a camcorder and a beeper and a Walkman and an 8 Track player and all the other things I carry. Then again maybe I’m just being CRAZY because a few short years (maybe decade(s)?) ago the general population relied on maps to find out where they were going, or they got written directions from a friend to find their house. Then Mapquest came out and you could look up addresses online and all you had to do was print the directions out and THEN the magical moment came out when GPS started appearing on cell phones and now you don’t have to know, remember, or write shit when you want to go somewhere. You just type or say the destination and then that lady tells you where to go. Soon, I bet, you won’t’ even have to know how to drive but the GPS lady will magically control your car to get you where you’re going. Now THAT would be the most awesome thing ever, because then I could get an extra 45 minutes of sleep every morning before work instead of steering and shifting and turning and gassing and breaking and all that other junk you gotta do while driving. So, all in all there are some really awesome things about technology NOW but I can’t wait to see what’s coming in the future. Like, I wonder when I’m an old crusty lady if I’ll think back and be like “OMG ICR TT WY HT UACFF!! ROTFL!!!” which means “Oh my gosh I can remember the time when you had to use a computer for facebooking! Really outrageously totally fuckingly lame!” but really I would just be thinking about those letters and that would send a telepathic message to my contacts and everyone I know as a funny little status update.

 

That’s enough about technology. Don’t steal my ideas or when I am an old crusty lady, I will SYSMFA. I dare you to ask me what that one means.

Only my boobs will be saggier.

 

In other recent news, this week was a really long and hard week. And when I say long and hard, that’s not a good way. My domestic partner had to work from Phoenix Tuesday through Friday and let me tell you, the missing him part totally fucking sucked. I told a few people about it – you know, the usual – my sisters and my black twin. And shockingly (not really), my sisters acted like it ain’t no thang. Like I was over reacting about being away for SO LONG from the man I love! Well just so you all know, I love him with all my heart and I enjoy every second I have for him AND (here’s the cherry on top) I have waited 24 years for him, so now that I have him, I want him all the time!!! Ok there’s my cheesy rant. But, I learned some new things while on this long hard journey of loneliness. I know you probably think “really? That’s really cheesy, you were only alone for 4 days” but it’s true. I don’t do a whole lot of thinking, usually because it’s mostly a bunch of incoherent, illogical thoughts, but also because when I’m not alone I’m usually doing something. I had the chance to just be by myself and think and still do stuff, but without a whole lot of external stimulation. Most of my thinking happens when I’m alone - like driving in the car (but that’s not very much either because I’m usually singing at the top of my lungs in the car) or taking a shower (again, I’m usually singing at the top of my lungs while showering). But, because I didn’t want a chupacabra or a killer to get into my house and chop me up into a million little pieces, I tried to keep the house kind of quiet, which allowed for a lot of thinking time. PS, I also had a lot of time to watch Kenan and Kel, which is probably one of the greatest shows in history. I highly recommend you DVR it to watch when you're bored. PS. I had a massive crush on Kel and I wished I was orange soda so he would love me.

Anyway, I would like to make a list, because making lists is one of my favorite things, of "Being Alone Means" So, here goes. Being alone means:


1. Not having to be a lady. I acted like a total slob and didn't feel guilty about it. I also didn't shave my legs or armpits the entire time. If you stay home from school today, you can help me shave my aaahmpits.


2. Making sure the doors are locked - even the garage door. When my domestic partner is home, I'm not that scared of chupacabras or robbers, because if one comes in the house, he'll bust 'em all up.


3. Not cooking - I ate like crap (and felt like crap afterward) but being home alone means you don't have to worry about making food for someone else. BUT I don't mind cooking for someone else too, it's actually easier that way and I tend to eat better when I don't have the option of eating nasty ass Safeway egg rolls every night. 


4. Watching whatever you want on TV. My TV programming consisted of Rocko's Modern Life, Kenan & Kel, and America's Next Top Model. All of which are shows I'm pretty much not allowed to watch in the presense of The Man. I think it's because he doesn't appreciate:
     a. Cartoons
     b. Black humor
     c. Great hair, makeup, and photography and their effects on modern literature. I mean what a chick looks like.

5. Waking up only once. When you sleep with someone, it's not always that you wake up at the same time. Unfortunately, my poor, poor domestic partner has to wake up at like 5:12 in the morning to be to work on time.  I, on the other hand, could give two shits about punctuality, therefore I wake up somewhere between 5:30 and 7:00 am. It doesn't bother me to wake up twice, because I get to enjoy the beautiful view of him getting into the shower AND getting a kiss goodbye. On Wednesday morning, though, I was still dreaming when my alarm went off and it was the first time in a long time that the sound of my alarm was integrated into the plot of my dream. I think I was on a game show or something.

6. Turning up the thermostat 2 degrees. My man is like my own personal heater. When I get a little chilly at night (which is actually quite often because I sleep in just undies and a tank most nights, and the vent points right at my face) all I have to do is scoot a little closer to that sweet man and I am instantly warm (and sweaty). I had to put socks on to sleep this week too, which I usually only do in the wintertime.


7. Being lonely. I haven't felt lonely in a long time, and although I hate the feeling, it makes it that much sweeter when he comes back.

8. Intensified hearing. When you are a chick and it's dark and you're home alone, everything is louder and everything sounds like a chupacabra or a robber busting in. I heard the sound of a larger-than-normal drop of water hitting the shower floor while showering and I nearly screamed because I thought it was an elbow hitting the wall outside the shower. I got scared. 


9. Turning on a light along the way to a dark room. I don't know why but everything is like, 10 times scarier when you're alone. Especially the dark. 


10. Finally getting some cleaning and laundry done because there isn't a juicy piece of eye candy waiting to cuddle on the couch. 


11. Last but not least, thinking too much. Sometimes I seriously get sick of the sound of my own voice in my head. I honestly say to myself, just shut up, Michelle! Then I get scared I'm turning into that creepy lady at work that constantly whispers angrily to herself. Only, I *think* I only tell myself to shut up in my head and not out loud. Then, I remember that Lady Gaga says "Don't bully yourself" then I have to apologize to myself and before you know it, I'm having a full on conversation with myself. Yikes...


Well, that's all. I'm pretty tired, I think I'll go home now.
 

I Am My Hair

"I'm not a freak, I'm just here fighting to stay cool on the streets".

This one time I bought the Born This Way album by one of my favorite people of all time, Lady Gaga. I heard this song "Hair" and at first I was like, this is the stupidest song I have ever heard in my life. Don't get me wrong, I love LOVE Lady Gaga. She is definitely one of the best performers in history, but she can be a little on the strange side. Usually when I buy a CD, I have to listen to it a few times before I get into it. One morning on the way to work, I really got into it and even got a bit emotional because of this song's theme (also it was a certain time when I get extra frail in the emotional department) and cried to this song. It's so good, one of my favorites on Born This Way. You can hear her perform the shit out of it live here - click the link, CLICK IT.


Click!!

 You can read the lyrics here, so you can get the full meaning out of this awesome song.

So anyway, I can relate a lot to this song. Maybe not so much right NOW but growing up - OH YEAH. Mostly because I was bald for most of my life, but also because I didn't have it all that easy. My parent's never put up a fight and my mom never did cut my hair at night. I never really did anything all that radical with my appearance. I think the absolute worst of it was when I dyed half of my hair blue-black (which actually looked totally radical, by the way). Also, I went through this phase in middle school where all I wanted were Jnco Jeans (BUT I only had one pair because we were so poor and couldn't afford anything, which means I got to wear them for a total of 4 months while I could fit in them before I grew another 11 inches). I wanted these jeans because 

a. I had a crush on the shortest guy in school who also happened to be really into skating

b. Gwen Stefani used to wear big baggy jeans and I loved her so hard and wished every day I could be as cool as her.

I wasn't too much of a rebel at all, so my parents and I got along just swell. Now, I'm going to say a lot of things in this post that is going to make me sound like an asshole. But, don't worry I'll come back around. Just stick it out. PS I'm not sorry for sounding like an asshole because I probably am.

Maybe I would have been more of a fashion rebel, but I think it's kind of impossible when you can only afford a wardrobe consisting of whatever we could find at Wal Mart or Factory-2-U. Which, by the way for a long time I was completely mortified by the fact that I had to shop there for clothes when everyone else could afford going to Tucson to go to the mall. I remember dreading doing the "walk of shame" from the car to the store, praying that no one that knew me saw me walking into F2U. Now, I couldn't care less and shop at Twice As Nice sometimes and stuff.

Anyway, there was a lot of stuff I was embarrassed about when I was younger, probably when I was like a junior in high school and younger.

Obviously, I was embarrassed about not having as much money as everyone else. I grew up in Cloud 9 Mobile Home Park. I tried to find a picture of it, but couldn't. So the best I can do is link to C9's Facebook page. Immediately after I write this blog I'm going to go "Like" it (then later I will get a picture in real life to post to the FB page). I was embarrassed about living there. I hated the fact that I lived in a trailer park and people that I wanted to be friends with didn't. I was ashamed to tell anyone where I lived, and hardly any people ever came over. I'd say probably a handful of people knew this about me when I was growing up, and once I got brave and invited the entire Peer Support Group to my house for the main course of a progressive dinner. Of course the food was awesome, but there were a lot of girls looking at each other like "omg, what are we doing here".

My heart would skip a beat every time someone would ask "Where do you live?" and I would say something stupid like, "oh in the neighborhood next to PDS". Which, was true, however I could have just said "Cloud 9" the whole time and people would have known what I meant. When I drove out of the neighborhood to go to school, I prayed that no one would see me do the "pull out of shame" from my neighborhood. Once I thought (and probably did) I saw the guy I was in love with my entire high school career drive by as I was pulling out of Cloud 9 (the back way of course because I was too scared to drive out of the main entrance) and I thought I was going to cry and contemplated not going to school that day. A lot of times I wished that the city would decide to bulldoze that eye sore and replace it with a beautiful neighborhood and just GIVE all the tenants a new house to live in for the inconvenience of having their trailer destroyed. I was really embarrassed about living in Cloud 9. I tried to tell people "it's not a trailer, it's a manufactured home!" but to them it was all the same because they were assholes.

Until I was 8 we lived in a two bedroom trailer that my dad had built another bedroom onto the porch that my brothers stayed in. When my dad's aunt passed away, he got some money and decided to upgrade to the manufactured home and put it RIGHT NEXT DOOR to the two bedroom trailer we lived in previously. I remember seeing the new house and thinking it was the most beautiful, hugest thing I'd ever seen in my life. It's a 4 bedroom, 2 bath house that at the time felt like a mansion. I got to sleep in an actual bed (I had been sleeping on a small couch in my parent's bedroom before that) in a room I shared with my sister Veronica. I thought we were rich, until I got a little older and realized that I was living in a trailer park.

I was also embarrassed about my parents. My mom was 43 when she gave birth to me. Now, this MAY be a bit shocking to you, but I was an accident. I came exactly 5 years after my brother Kenny. My mom had an IUD before me, and when it's time expired and she had to take it out (that sounds gross) she thought she was too old to have a kid. Surprise! There I was. I was embarrassed because my parents were a LOT older than all of the other parents I knew. My mom was constantly mistaken for my grandmother, and stupidly enough sometimes my sister Jess was confused as my mom. Sometimes if people at school asked about my "grandma" I didn't correct them. My dad was also pretty overweight, and by overweight I mean he was fat, and I was embarrassed about that too. Especially because he did this kind of waddle walk and was just an overall embarrassing person. He would always do the whole "pull my finger" thing (and still does) and make really annoying obnoxious sounds everywhere. He also had this habit of smacking us upside the head no matter where we were if we did or said something he didn't like. Even though I got along fine with my parents, sometimes, actually I always preferred never to be seen with them in public.

I was embarrassed about where I lived, my parents, and mostly with myself. I was a pretty awkward kid. I was always the tallest kid in class up until about my sophomore year in high school. I was extremely gangly, lanky, and clumsy. My clothes hardly ever fit (because I outgrew them faster than my parents were able to afford getting me new ones). I had really bad acne, two terrible snaggle teeth, and plucked my eyebrows waaaay too thin. I was also kind of socially awkward. I am a very sarcastic person, and not everyone liked that, or got it. Middle school was especially rough. We moved to Tucson for about a year, which not only killed a lot of the friendships I started to develop, but when I went back to Apache Middle School, I was the new girl that was too sarcastic. I ended up getting in trouble with the "mean girls" at the school, and the three of them all threatened to beat me up. (Only two of them were pretty though. The other one looks like Beavis) They constantly harassed me and before long, there was only one person in school that actually stuck by me. My sister Jess even called them at one point - I remember it very clearly. We called Brianna from a payphone at Wal Mart, and Jess said she was an eighth grader keeping an eye on me and if they didn't leave me alone, THEY'D be the one's getting beat up. It wasn't soon before long, everyone in school knew who I was - I was the girl that the 3 mean ones wanted to beat up but was too scared to. When Amy wasn't at school, I'd hide in the bathroom during lunch and walk really fast to all of my classes, trying to avoid any human contact.  I think my parents got involved because the teasing got to be too much and I really was scared that I was going to get pulverized to a pulp. They called the principal who talked to the three girls and after that they left me alone. The whole thing kind of fizzled down, and by the time 8th grade came around, I had made a few more friends and it wasn't too bad.

Then high school came. High school wasn't so bad. I hated my freshman year, because again, I didn't have many friends and had really low self esteem. Luckily, I got braces (that I got off right before junior year) so it was kind of like I was a work in progress. I was pretty lonely, especially after a falling out with my then best friend. Another thing that also really sucked about moving up to high school was that a lot of focus was put on dating - and this is going to be a huge shocker to you too considering the tone of this blog - NO ONE ever liked me. Ever.

Ok I take that back. There were two guys that told me they liked me. The first was a guy named Steve. Impressively, he was a senior. That's the only thing impressive about him. He had a hunchback (no I am NOT exaggerating) and teeth more crooked than mine. He was also really creepy and stalked me around school - waiting around my locker (so much that I stopped going to it and just lugged 100 pounds worth of books around with me everywhere). So now you're probably thinking well beggars can't be choosers but I'll have you know, even THIS beggar has standards, ok? The second guy was [impressively] a football playing sophomore on the varsity football team. Again, that's the only thing he had going for him. He was extremely overweight and far too hairy for a high schooler. He also confessed to me that he masturbated to the thought of me. And it wasn't like, a sweet, flattering masturbation comment. He said he filled up Ziplock bags with lotion, placed them in between the couch cushions, then fucked the ever living shit out of it. He asked me to Homecoming. I said no. Oh, there's also one guy I forgot to mention, but I will have you know I am NOT making fun of him. I was in National Honor Society (aka club for nerds) and we did this thing called C.A.N.T.E.R. which was a therapeutic program for the special needs kids - NHS kids helped the special needs kids ride horses. One of them had a crush on me,  I can't remember his name now but he was in a wheelchair due to cerebral palsy. Every fiber in my body wished he wasn't sick.

Aaaaaaaaaaaanyway... I had no luck in the guy department. It seemed as though every guy only saw me as a friend - and that was only a friend in class. I felt like the guys who paid attention to me while we were in class didn't even look my way twice when we were out in the hallways, or at lunch, or in public. I didn't get it. These guys would have really deep conversations (or as deep as it gets in high school I guess) with me and a lot of times I felt like maybe MAYBE they liked me too, but in the end, nothing ever happened. With anyone. Ever. I never had a boyfriend in high school that went to Buena. Aside from Baggy Fucker, I was NEVER asked to a dance, or out on a date. I really thought there was something wrong with me. I even have these really sad, pathetic diary entries from back then that sound a lot like Mary Catherine Gallagher, who wished and prayed every night to have a real movie - like kiss. Things had to get worse before they got better. I played basketball my freshman year, and in mine opinion, I think I was pretty good. I was really super fast (you wouldn't believe me if I told you, but, I could run like the wind blows) and a good power forward. Well, as fate would have it, I busted my left knee. Completely tore out my PCL and tore all kinds of other junk in there I don't remember. For some crazy reason (I am pretty sure it was all the Trading Spaces episodes I used to watch and the host Paige's short hair that influenced this terrible decision) I decided to cut my hair really really really short, like boy short.

Picture this: I was in a knee immobilizer for about 8 months, I had an ugly mullet thing growing out on my head, I had braces, and was overall a big douchey nerd that had to ride the GD elevator to the second floor. I was a totall fucking mess, and I don't wonder not one bit about why no guy liked me my sophomore year. BUT things started to get a little better through that year. My knee healed enough for me to get out of that godforsaken brace and I could walk halfway decently again, I got my braces off, and my hair grew out to a socially acceptable length. By junior year, my friend Rosalyn introduced me to a guy who wasn't from my school and BOOM my first boyfriend. Finally, by the ripe age of almost 18 I had my first tongue kiss. And, it was the most disgusting slimy spitty experience of fat tongue in my life. We didn't last long, but finally, I was no longer as big of a loser as I previously thought.

By the time I was a senior, I had become more comfortable with myself, made some genuine friends, like Aidalys and Rosalyn. (Actually, Aidalys and I became friends in middle school, after she realized that my life was a horrible mess and we could relate to each other). I had started to care less and less about what people at school thought about me, because I realized that I didn't want to be like most of the assholes there. All of the popular girls (I shouldn't say all but MOST) were just cum dumpsters with absolutely nothing going on in their heads and felt it necessary to be mean to girls like me and Aidalys because they were dead on the inside and needed to feel some kind of power or worth after the years and years of turning into the spoiled pieces of shit they then were. Hopefully they have grown up since then. I realized that there were guys outside of high school and I realized that if I was just myself, the right one would come along eventually. I didn't care anymore that my parents were old or fat or the fact that I lived in a trailer. Those things no longer defined me, and if people were stupid enough not to like me because of those reasons, then that was their fault, not mine.



Then, the real world came, and nothing about who I was in middle or high school mattered AT ALL anymore. Not any of it. Now that I am where I am today, I look back at all of the things I had to go through and learn, I realize how THANKFUL I am for it all. This is just a teeny tiny eensy weensy bit of what all actually happened as I was growing up, but now I know that every experience was a lesson. I had a very happy childhood, until society got into my head and started skewing that happiness. I didn't know I was poor until it was pointed out to me. I didn't know I was ugly until it was pointed out to me. I would never wish for a life different than mine because it has made me into who I am today. And, I like me.



The Best Parents in the World



I love my parents dearly and never will I be embarrassed about them ever again. I'm glad I grew up in the neighborhood I did, and I'm glad that I didn't have it easy and that I wasn't a spoiled brat growing up. I would never want to be the kind of person that feels entitled to anything, and know from the example of my parents and siblings that you have to work, and work hard and honestly to get what you need in life. Underacheivers who want something for nothing are scum of the earth in my opinion. I have very few friends, but they are real friends and I wouldn't trade them for 100 "popular" friends for anything. They stuck by me even when they knew what a "loser" I was, and for that I am forever indebted to them. You know who you are, thank you for everything you have done for me and for being who you are. Finally, I was myself and the right guy came along eventually. I can be myself with him and I am not embarrassed about any of it. I am still the dorky, clumsy person I was ten years ago, and he loves me for it. I still have my imperfections, but he takes me as I am. I would not trade him for ALL five of my top five celebrities I'd like to fuck. There's some really good ones in that list too.

I guess these are a lot of the reasons why I like "Hair" so much. It's all about wishing you were "good enough" for someone else - a guy, cool friends, society whatever. But in the end, you are who you are. I have come to love myself for who I am and I appreciate others who feel the same way about me. If you don't, I harbor no bad feelings for you because you don't know me. Otherwise, you would love me too. I AM MY HAIR

Ok I'm going to go cry again now.