The Very Best of Tess: Krusty Krabb Pizza

I remembered I wrote this blog about an asshole dog I used to hate. Robin, this one is especially for you. :)

(Remember, these are old from my pen name days...)

is the pizza for you and me! guess what y'all??!! we got CABLE! isn't that awesome! i watched Spongebob yesterday, of course! and i don't know what's going on but his voice sounds different and I DON'T LIKE IT!
my asshole husband and i went over to his parents' house yesterday, and his mom was all doped up on vicodin. she is really fucking dumb when she's drunk. anyway, she was mocking me yesterday and i wanted to punch her in her stupid fat face for that. i think she thought that after she mocked me the way she did (trying to make me seem like a drama queen/valley girl) that i would laugh. yeah i didn't. then she asked me if i ever took drama in school and i said yeah NO. she didn't get the hint that i don't think she's funny or cute at all. like i said, she is STUPID when she's drunk, whether it's off alcohol or pills. she's pretty much an annoying moron all the time actually.
ok and let me tell you this other really really sick thing that makes me want to puke my guts out every time i go over there:
so they have this dog. i've mentioned him before. he's a nice dog and all, he's a very pretty / handsome chocolate lab. don't get me wrong, i love dogs. but dogs can be like kids. they can be very lovable but when they're not disciplined, they're little pieces of shit brats. this dog is not disciplined... yeah so he jumps on you and bites you and gets right fucking next to your mouth when you eat and sits there and begs and chews up pillows and blankets and shoes and clothes and jumps on the beds and couches and thinks he's fucking king, right? and let me tell you, he didn't always act like that. he was a stray and when they got him from the pound he was very well trained. he didn't jump or do any of that stupid stuff. he would sit nicely away from you when you ate and didn't even think about going on furniture but stayed on the FLOOR. they have (well, mostly his mom) trained him to be a piece of shit dog. i hate that. they RUINED a good dog. ok yeah and i absolutely hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate haaaaaaate dog slobber and snot. and it seems like that fucking dog is a faucet for spit and snot and i hate it. there's strings of thick drool that hang from his mouth whenever someone is eating and he sits there and STARES at you while the drool drips off of his mouth and onto the floor, furniture, you know wherever...this is where the gross part comes in. well the sister has a red bedspread. it USED to be nice. the stupid ass piece of shit dog is ALWAYS on that bed. and he drools on it because of course he is allowed to chew on bones and treats and toys on her bed because the mom lets him, but he is not allowed on HER bed to do that... anyhow, you know how when spit/snot/cum turns white whenever it dries? yeah well there's white fucking stains everywhere on her bed!!!!!!! it totally grosses me out. it grosses me out so much that i refuse to touch or sit on that bed at all! which is kind of hard right now cause they have no furniture (on account of the roof blowing off) and there's a tv and a computer in her room, so hers is like the best room to hang out in. well there's white dried up body leakage everywhere on her bed AND SHE DOESN'T WASH IT AND SLEEPS WRAPPED UP IN THAT BLANKET EVERY NIGHT. it seriously makes me want to vomit and if i was her i would chop that dog every time it tried to get on my bed. then his mom pisses me off cause she treats the dog better than her own daughter and "that's my baby" and stupid ass shit. i understand that you love the dog. i love my dog. but the difference between our dogs is that mine is not a piece of shit that does whatever she wants. her dog gets dog lipstick all the time and rubs it on that bedspread. uuuuughghgh i can't stop thinking about the bedspread!!! the point of my story is that there are rules for everything. Especially DOGS. at least train the stupid thing to lick that slobber off his lips and swallow it. dude, she turned a perfectly good, smart dog into patrick the star. he is fucking dumb. i hate that dog. actually, no, it's not even his fault. i hate her for letting that dog turn into a piece of shit brat. also, they think it's cute to let him lick the sister's friend's baby and once i saw it i picked the baby up and said THAT IS NOT OK WITH ME MOTHER FUCKERS I WILL CALL CPS ON YOUR DIRTY ASSES!!!!!!!!!!!
well i've done a good job of pissing myself off this morning. so let's talk about something nice. like......ice cream. ice cream is very good. vanilla is my favorite. yeah, it's plain, but it's so creamy and delicious. other things that are nice are massage chairs and taco time. these are things that make us feel good. spongebob has that effect too. tv is a very dangerous thing for me though. i went home yesterday with the intention of cleaning the kitchen counters and doing laundry. yeah, i watched spongebob. then we went to the in law's house where the piece of shit dog lives. oh shoot, back to good! maroon 5 is nice, and so is gwen stefani and hot hot heat and fischerspooner, and hellogoodbye, and stuff. i also enjoy sunflower seeds. it's nice to sleep in. it's nice to be warm. it's nice to sing really loud in the shower even though the neighbors next door can hear you and start banging on the wall next to your naked body so you'll shut up. it's nice to be honest with people. it's nice to dress up and go to fancy restaurants, like chili's. it's nice to have extra money. it's nice to hug your mom. or your nephew. it's nice to get a long with your family. it's nice to be mean to people you don't like... or maybe not. it feels nice to me, anyway. it's nice to swim. it's nice to go on vacation. it's nice to talk about nice things.
i'm tired of nice. i think i do better talking about things i don't like. but does that make me a mean or pessimistic person? there's a lot of stuff i DO like, but since when do people enjoy something that's always positive? honestly, every movie has a villian or a tragedy or some kind of drama.  it is never always rainbows and butterflies, it's compromise that ... wait, it's never always good and nice is my point. people would be bored out of their mind of that. i mean, even spongebob has a villian---plankton. and he always has a problem to over come in each episode. like the one i saw yesterday, i mean, he found this wig that he loved but everyone else laughed at him because it was dorky, and mr. krabs wanted him to get rid of it because it was making the krabby patties all hairy. that was a problem he had to over come, he had to get rid of the wig even though he loved it so. love is not easy. and even when he did let go of the wig, the very next day, it was cool to everyone else. voila, another problem arises. anyhow, don't be all pissed if i only talk about good or bad things. k? just be happy i talk at all. brenda is still on vacation and guess what?
IT'S FRIDAY!