The Joys of Living in Arizona

I was born in beautiful Sierrrrrah Vistaaaah, Arizona, at Sierra Vista Community Hospital, caring closer to hoooome! Well I was almost born in my parents car because my mom waited until the very last second to get her butt to the hospital (she had already had four other kids so knew the drill very well). I have lived in Arizona ever since, and let me tell you, there are some annoying things about this state. 


First, as the rest of Earth knows, it's hotter than Satan's balls here. Yesterday when I left work to go to the gym, it felt like I had walked right into an oven. Here's a pic to show you just how hot it was:

 

Mind you, it was only June 27th...the hottest month is yet to come. So when it's THAT hot outside, you feel like it's kind of hard to inhale because your lungs feel like they are on fire. Then, you actually get into the car which is at least 100 degrees hotter. If you have leather seats, you get to enjoy the 3rd degree burns that are soon to follow your bare skin touching the surface. Also, if you are wearing shorts, you have to peel your skin off the seats and it literally makes the same sound as Velcro being ripped apart. It's not the best feeling. Although, another annoying thing about Arizona is that because it's so frickin hot outside, everyone likes to set their A/C to 60 degrees which means you freeze your ass off all day while you're inside and although it feels like dragon breath outside, you are wearing a sweater inside. So sometimes when I get into a hot car after being in a frozen tundra aka inside, the pain from the heat kind of feels good. If you live in Arizona, please don't be a hippie and for God's sake put deodorant on. You are bound to sweat and no one wants to catch a disgusting whiff of your eau d'onions seeping from your pits. 

So yes, the rumors about it being hot here are true. The reason it's so hot here is because YOU GUESSED IT there's a lot of sunshine. The sun is hot. It's at least...500 degrees. But not only is it hot, but it hates your skin. It will unleash it's wrath upon your shoulders, scalp, legs, the tops of your feet, your eyes, and anything  else that's exposed without the protection of cloth or sunscreen. Sunburns can be extremely painful. They can make you literally sick and not to mention, they are horrible for your skin. Sunburns are damaging like you would not believe. If you don't put sunscreen on here even if you're going outside for only 5 minutes, this will happen to you:

My skin is swollen it's burned so bad...

*Disclaimer, this sunburn actually happened in Rocky Point but you get the idea. My advice to you: don't try to be hard with the sun and take it on without sunscreen or shade. It will literally fuck you up. Also, if you are a damn moron like I was and do get yourself into the same predicament as above, the BEST advice I ever got to cure the pain was this: Take a shower/bath in water as hot as you can stand it. I mean ridiculously hot. So hot that IT almost burns your skin again. I know it sounds stupid and you probably think I'm just saying that so you will try it and hate me for giving you more pain but I promise it works. Something about the heat taking the heat out. You know, like when you eat a really hot pepper the only thing that makes it better is drinking hot water. Well I tried everything on that damn sunburn - Aloe Vera (which does help on much milder sunburns), butter, milk, vinegar, cocoa butter, Vaseline, jiz, you name it. Nothing did the trick other than showering in extremely hot water. There was significantly less pain after each hot water treatment. Then when it does stop hurting, it starts itching. Then you scratch and that brings the pain back. Or some asshole slaps you on the shoulder and it takes everything in you not to reach for your glock (Arizona is a gun loving state btw) and shoot that mofo right in the face. Anyhow, then your skin starts peeling and it's freaking gross because there are literally flakes EVERYWHERE. Enough skin flakes to make Goldmember get a hard on.

Alrighty. We've established that it's hot as hell in AZ and the sun will shred your skin. Another annoying and quite terrifying and sometimes disgusting thing about Arizona is the wildlife here.  The other morning I woke up to a tickly feeling on my arm and something told me to open my eyes and look at it. It was a caca-roach! :( I freaking hate cockroaches. They are the scum of the earth and so freaking disgusting! Of course I freaked out and flicked that fucker so far away from me (I later found it in the bathroom on it's dumb back struggling to turn over). Then another time I was enjoying a nice stroll around the block with a coworker while on a work break, when much to my terror a giant, vicious javelina was just feet away from us. Luckily, those things are dumber than cockroaches so it didn't realize it was there. Thank goodness it didn't smell us otherwise we would have been javelina snack. I am not kidding, those things are mean, disgusting animals and while their babies are cute, the parents will literally fuck you up. I came to find out that there was a family of killer javelinas living in the storm drain pipes under Valencia. We ran into the dad and let me tell you - he was gross. Here's a picture of him enjoying a nice grass feast.

I have been afraid of these beasts my whole life. Then, one evening I went to a pottery class with best friend Aidalys. Well she came over for dinner first, and when I opened the door for her she said "Is that real?" and I didn't know what she was talking about. Well it turns out it was a disgusting scary vinegaroon, also known as the spawn of Satan cross between a spider and a scorpion. I took two pictures of this mother fucker, just so you can see how HUGE it is. I did NOT dispose of that; instead I left the man job for the Man to handle.

Gnomey was scared!

EEEEEEEEE!!

There's also a lot of snakes that live in Arizona. One night I was enjoying some fresh air on a walk with my sister, and when we were just in front of the neighbor's house, the Hand of God grabbed my head and made me to look down just as my foot was about to make contact with a RATTLESNAKE'S HEAD!!! Now, I don't have a picture of this snake (I had one but it was on a phone I got rid of) but my sister Jess can vouche for the trueness of the story. I am not even exaggerating at ALL on this one. I was literally centimeters away from the rattler's head and he was about 3 feet long, no joke. It was the scariest split second of my life. As soon as I saw it I jumped out of the way, screamed "OH FUCK!!! THAT'S A SNAAAAAKE!!!" as I grabbed Jess' arm for dear life then shivered violently from being so creeped out. It took me a good half hour to get my heart rate back down to a normal rate. it was quite scary. Here is a picture of a much smaller, cuter snake that me and The Man saw in Prescott. (I actually really like snakes and am fascinated by them, I just know which ones not to mess with because they will literally fuck you up).

One more sad and terrible thing about Arizona is the wildfires. I'm sure you've all heard of the most recent and devastating AZ wildfires, the Wallow Fire which has burned over 500,000 acres, and the Monument Fire (sadly in my hometown) which burned over a 47 square mile area and both fires destroyed many homes. People tend to be careless and NOT listen to Smoky the Bear. I saw some asshole on the freeway threw out a cigarette butt and I wish I could have called the cops on him. It is seriously bone dry and everything will ignite with the smallest trigger. You can look at a mesquite tree the wrong way and it will spontaneously combust. Sad sad sad.

BUT!

Even with all that, there is no other place I'd rather be. Arizona is my home and I plan on it staying that way. It is absolutely beautiful here. I love the desert - all the saguaros, mesquites, palo verdes, and how everything is on a tan backdrop. The mountains here are gorgeous and the sunsets are the best in the whole wide world. This isn't even the best picture - it was taken with my cell phone from my cul-de-sac and look how amazing it is:

The sun shines waaay more often than not, and when it does rain here, it's beautiful. The Monsoon season is my favorite time of the year. There is something so humbling the way the sky is split by a defined line of pouring rain and sunshine, the amazing lightning shows, and the smell of ozone and creosote. When it rains, the plants perk up and come to life - cactus flowers bloom, trees and bushes turn bright green, and everything feels sparkly clean. Frogs come out to play, and it cools down enough to enjoy wine on the porch. I can't wait for Monsoons to start this year, and I saw a glimpse of it today!! :D 

Aside from the fires (and sometimes flooding from Monsoons), there are no natural disasters here - no earthquakes, no tornadoes, no hurricanes. I would be scared to death to live in Tornado Alley or in California, where with each quake they are closer to falling off into the ocean...

Even though there are a lot of scary creepy animals here, there are also a lot of awesome ones. For example, the kangaroo rat is one of the cutest rodents ever invented. Lizards and snakes are freaking awesome (I used to catch horney toads with my brother Kenny). Bunnies are cute (there was a family of four babies living in my yard at one point) and the birds are always very interesting EXCEPT pigeons, they can rot in hell for all I care. There's lots of places where you can go here to watch hummingbirds in swarms.There are even some neat bugs, believe it or not. Like butterflies, stick bugs, and lady bugs. I also thoroughly enjoy the sound of crickets. Although I don't think any those bugs are Arizona native... Anyhow, I love living here and I would not want to live anywhere else in the world. At least at the moment. (: Seriously, it's the best state in the USA. I'm proud to be an Arizonan.

 

The Very Best of Tess: Krusty Krabb Pizza

I remembered I wrote this blog about an asshole dog I used to hate. Robin, this one is especially for you. :)

(Remember, these are old from my pen name days...)

is the pizza for you and me! guess what y'all??!! we got CABLE! isn't that awesome! i watched Spongebob yesterday, of course! and i don't know what's going on but his voice sounds different and I DON'T LIKE IT!
my asshole husband and i went over to his parents' house yesterday, and his mom was all doped up on vicodin. she is really fucking dumb when she's drunk. anyway, she was mocking me yesterday and i wanted to punch her in her stupid fat face for that. i think she thought that after she mocked me the way she did (trying to make me seem like a drama queen/valley girl) that i would laugh. yeah i didn't. then she asked me if i ever took drama in school and i said yeah NO. she didn't get the hint that i don't think she's funny or cute at all. like i said, she is STUPID when she's drunk, whether it's off alcohol or pills. she's pretty much an annoying moron all the time actually.
ok and let me tell you this other really really sick thing that makes me want to puke my guts out every time i go over there:
so they have this dog. i've mentioned him before. he's a nice dog and all, he's a very pretty / handsome chocolate lab. don't get me wrong, i love dogs. but dogs can be like kids. they can be very lovable but when they're not disciplined, they're little pieces of shit brats. this dog is not disciplined... yeah so he jumps on you and bites you and gets right fucking next to your mouth when you eat and sits there and begs and chews up pillows and blankets and shoes and clothes and jumps on the beds and couches and thinks he's fucking king, right? and let me tell you, he didn't always act like that. he was a stray and when they got him from the pound he was very well trained. he didn't jump or do any of that stupid stuff. he would sit nicely away from you when you ate and didn't even think about going on furniture but stayed on the FLOOR. they have (well, mostly his mom) trained him to be a piece of shit dog. i hate that. they RUINED a good dog. ok yeah and i absolutely hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate haaaaaaate dog slobber and snot. and it seems like that fucking dog is a faucet for spit and snot and i hate it. there's strings of thick drool that hang from his mouth whenever someone is eating and he sits there and STARES at you while the drool drips off of his mouth and onto the floor, furniture, you know wherever...this is where the gross part comes in. well the sister has a red bedspread. it USED to be nice. the stupid ass piece of shit dog is ALWAYS on that bed. and he drools on it because of course he is allowed to chew on bones and treats and toys on her bed because the mom lets him, but he is not allowed on HER bed to do that... anyhow, you know how when spit/snot/cum turns white whenever it dries? yeah well there's white fucking stains everywhere on her bed!!!!!!! it totally grosses me out. it grosses me out so much that i refuse to touch or sit on that bed at all! which is kind of hard right now cause they have no furniture (on account of the roof blowing off) and there's a tv and a computer in her room, so hers is like the best room to hang out in. well there's white dried up body leakage everywhere on her bed AND SHE DOESN'T WASH IT AND SLEEPS WRAPPED UP IN THAT BLANKET EVERY NIGHT. it seriously makes me want to vomit and if i was her i would chop that dog every time it tried to get on my bed. then his mom pisses me off cause she treats the dog better than her own daughter and "that's my baby" and stupid ass shit. i understand that you love the dog. i love my dog. but the difference between our dogs is that mine is not a piece of shit that does whatever she wants. her dog gets dog lipstick all the time and rubs it on that bedspread. uuuuughghgh i can't stop thinking about the bedspread!!! the point of my story is that there are rules for everything. Especially DOGS. at least train the stupid thing to lick that slobber off his lips and swallow it. dude, she turned a perfectly good, smart dog into patrick the star. he is fucking dumb. i hate that dog. actually, no, it's not even his fault. i hate her for letting that dog turn into a piece of shit brat. also, they think it's cute to let him lick the sister's friend's baby and once i saw it i picked the baby up and said THAT IS NOT OK WITH ME MOTHER FUCKERS I WILL CALL CPS ON YOUR DIRTY ASSES!!!!!!!!!!!
well i've done a good job of pissing myself off this morning. so let's talk about something nice. like......ice cream. ice cream is very good. vanilla is my favorite. yeah, it's plain, but it's so creamy and delicious. other things that are nice are massage chairs and taco time. these are things that make us feel good. spongebob has that effect too. tv is a very dangerous thing for me though. i went home yesterday with the intention of cleaning the kitchen counters and doing laundry. yeah, i watched spongebob. then we went to the in law's house where the piece of shit dog lives. oh shoot, back to good! maroon 5 is nice, and so is gwen stefani and hot hot heat and fischerspooner, and hellogoodbye, and stuff. i also enjoy sunflower seeds. it's nice to sleep in. it's nice to be warm. it's nice to sing really loud in the shower even though the neighbors next door can hear you and start banging on the wall next to your naked body so you'll shut up. it's nice to be honest with people. it's nice to dress up and go to fancy restaurants, like chili's. it's nice to have extra money. it's nice to hug your mom. or your nephew. it's nice to get a long with your family. it's nice to be mean to people you don't like... or maybe not. it feels nice to me, anyway. it's nice to swim. it's nice to go on vacation. it's nice to talk about nice things.
i'm tired of nice. i think i do better talking about things i don't like. but does that make me a mean or pessimistic person? there's a lot of stuff i DO like, but since when do people enjoy something that's always positive? honestly, every movie has a villian or a tragedy or some kind of drama.  it is never always rainbows and butterflies, it's compromise that ... wait, it's never always good and nice is my point. people would be bored out of their mind of that. i mean, even spongebob has a villian---plankton. and he always has a problem to over come in each episode. like the one i saw yesterday, i mean, he found this wig that he loved but everyone else laughed at him because it was dorky, and mr. krabs wanted him to get rid of it because it was making the krabby patties all hairy. that was a problem he had to over come, he had to get rid of the wig even though he loved it so. love is not easy. and even when he did let go of the wig, the very next day, it was cool to everyone else. voila, another problem arises. anyhow, don't be all pissed if i only talk about good or bad things. k? just be happy i talk at all. brenda is still on vacation and guess what?
IT'S FRIDAY!

Review: How I Roll

Sometimes I like reading reviews for things I don't know too much about. It's a good way of finding out if the thing is good or bad. It's also a good way to see how dumb some people's opinions are. I like to be a pretty non judgemental person, but when other people are ridiculously judgemental, it's hard not to judge them as a douche. 

Friday I went to happy hour with my friend Carina. We went to this sushi place on Congress called On A Roll.  I've never really eaten sushi before, except for like one other time I went with this other lady I used to work with but don't like any more since she'scrazy in her head and not in a good way. Well it was pretty good even though the outside is kind of creepy and easy to pass by.

I like fish and sea food items, but I don't eat it very often, probably because my domestic partner hates anything with more than four legs or less than two legs. Anyhow, I bring up this On A Roll place because before Carina and I went there, I read a lot of reviews on Yelp and asked her if she was really sure if it was good or not. Then I read this particularly funny review from a woman that clearly had a large stick up her ass. She pretty much didn't have anything nice to say about the place and made fun of everyone there for being flirty or dumb. I thought it was fine. The only negative thing I have to say about it was that they had the worst TV programming on ever. Oh, and the waitress tried to get me and Carina to take shots of quail eggs. Um no thanks. We got there and it wasn't very busy, we could sit anywhere we wanted. So we sat at the bar next to some old folk and a young couple with their little daughter with a grown woman's face. The little girl had a doll. I hate dolls, I think they are creepy and evil.

The guys behind the counter were nice, but we did catch them laughing at us a few times. They also laughed at me when I was so surprised by the size of the rolls. They did, however, invite Carina back on Wednesday for karaoke night since she said she would never ever do it so long as she shall live. She doesn't know what she's missing out on. Anyhow the rolls were good. We ate a Tootsie Roll (I forgot what's in it, but it's not Tootsie Rolls), a Vegas roll, a spicy tuna roll, and a diamond back roll which was made out of and shaped like a snake. Whenever our waitress wasn't around for a while,  we assumed it was because she was out side with a jacket on flirting with passer-bys. When we asked her if that's what she was doing, all she said was "huh?" which leads me to believe she's guilty! That place was neat and if I am ever in the area and craving something fishy I will go there again. Oh we also had Saki and Japanese beer, which was good until I put too much Saki in and ruined the thing...We TRIED to go down to 4th Ave to check out this tattoo place, but about halfway there decided it was too hot and too far away. So instead we went into this goth store where it was hotter than balls and therefore decided to call it a night. On our way back, though, we had to go to the bathroom and since popping a squat in the middle of the road is frowned upon, we went back to On A Roll to use their bathroom. The hostess said "UMMMMM we don't have public restrooms..." but then our beautiful waitress came and said "THEY WERE JUST HERE" and walked us back there and said "I can't believe she was giving you such a hard time, she's like the bathroom Nazi" She's nice.

Last night me and the man went to dinner and a double feature. Of course we started the night at the best place in the world... Chipotle where I downed an entire chicken burrito. Every time I take my first bite of a delicious Chipotle burrito it is like taking a little bite of heaven. Oh, how I love you, delicious Chipotle burrito! Then we went to see X-Men: First Class followed by Super 8. My fave was X-Men of course. I love the super hero movies. This one was freakin awesome. It was neat to see them as younger versions of themselves, and it also had a good story line tied to history, which of course being a geek I also liked. Whenever I watch super hero movies I always wish I had a super power. I wish I could read minds and have telekinesis. That would be totally awesome. Super 8 was also really good, the main character is really cute and kind of looks a bit like my nephew Andrew.

The only thing that sucked about the movie was that the sound was awful but that was because of the theater. After I see alien movies it always makes me wonder if there are aliens in the world and how awesome it would be to have telekinesis. Wait...

The Very Best of Tess: Network Services

So a few folks had me reminiscing about my old blog. Well, it wasn't really me, it was a penname me. Her name was Tess, and she was the more immature, angry, vulgar version of me. It was a way to anything and everything, without filter. I decided to put a few on here, in a "The Very Best of Tess" series for when I don't have that much to talk about but I can still give you something to read. Please keep in mind this was an alter ego and I was 19 when I started that blog... There's some bad language and gross things, just to warn you.  Here's the first one I can share with you, she titled it "Network Services" for some reason. " Also, this note might help "puta tia" refers to every woman's monthly visitor.



Today I came in at 5. That's because I have a stupid doctor's appointment. Anyhow, I think you might have noticed that I haven't been blogging so much lately. That's because I started coming in at 7 like I wanted to. It's soooo much nicer. Of course, it sucks getting out at 3:30, but it could be worse. Like, I could work 9-5:30 or some shit like 10-7:00. So what does coming in at 7 have to do with blogging, you might ask? Well, everyone is pretty much here at 7, which ruins my myspace life. I don't have that extra hour anymore to just sit here and not work and blog all day more than you. So I am sorry my friends. But, as a friend (Candass) told me, I'm not so funny anymore now that I am not so angry any more. Now that I don't want to kill people and blow up the building because I have to answer the phone I guess I suck at blogging? Maybe it's not so funny because people don't find ordinary happy people funny. They just love to laugh at other people's pain, misery, and anger.  SO excuse me. But I guess you still have something to laugh at because I'm always on a deathbed and all. Speaking of deathbed, I have felt sicker and sicker and I'm pretty much going to tell my dermatolagist that I'm tired of the Accutane ruining my life and I want to stop taking it. Piece of shit "strongest medication" doesn't even work anyway. I mean look at this picture of me:  The zits just WON'T go away. And neither will my stupid ass puta tia. IS SHE DONE visiting? I am so sick and tired of her! She can rot in hell for all I care. Damn that Eve, damn her to hell! Because if it wasn't for her poor judgement, we wouldn't have this crazy thing, called love. Oh snap I mean periods. But for you men I'm sure you don't want to hear about it. Oh god, yeah whenever my asshole husband tries to bitch me out for being moody while it's "that time of the month" all I have to say to him (or any of YOU men who try to say it couldn't be that bad) is: when you start bleeding from your penis hole and have to shove a stick of cotton attached to a string up the hole to absorb the excretions, THEN you can start telling me it's not so bad. When you start to get bloated and gassy and get cramps so bad it's hard to sit up straight, THEN you can start telling me it's not so bad. When you get a mountain zit every single month before your penis starts bleeding, and your appetite doubles and everyone asks you the stupidest questions you don't want to answer, THEN you can start telling me it's not so bad. But don't you ever ever ever ever dare make any kind of rude comments and ONLY coddle me when the bitch comes twice in one month. That shit sucks so hard it makes me want to rip out my insides and say "THERE NOW YOU HAVE A REASON TO BLEED!!!" Anyhow, the point of the story is Yes, it really is that bad. So don't bitch. Only we can do/ be that. Once a month. Get used to it. Sometimes twice a month and the second time is always twice as bad. So be NICE! 

 like this puppy.

Testing 1...2...3...

Ok, here we go. Blog number one. I am going to try to not make these 80 pages long, and I am going to try to do them frequently enough to keep at least some of you coming back for more. No promises, though. I don't like to make promises I can't keep. 

This is my first time on a hosted blogging site. I used to write blogs on Myspace when that site was big, then recently started writing notes on Facebook. Some notes get ignored, some get read (thank you to those of you who faithfully read and leave at least a nice "Like" thumbs up. ( : Unfortunately, my original Myspace page was deleted due to a control freak, so I then started blogging under a penname. This chick was pretty much angry all the time, and said a lot of mean things that she probably shouldn't have. Not many people got to read it, and when I go back and read the blogs now, some are mean, some are dumb, some are inappropriate, and some should have never been written. Well, I don't plan on blogging under that penname anymore, from now on it's going to be just me and what I really think and how I really feel. 

I apologize in advance if some of you don't like what I have to say. We are all adults and we can agree to disagree. When in Rome... Please know that my intention is never ever to hurt another person's feelings, unless I come right out and say it, and if I say something mean, it's usually because some recent event has pissed me off. I will do my best to explain. I will also be the first to say that sometimes my hormones get the best of me and I end up talking about things that jes don't make no sense and I will not apologize for that, but will probably laugh about it later. I don't have the cleanest mouth, so if you hate cusswords, I can respect that, but I am also not going to change the way I talk. Explitives are sometimes necessary in telling a story. 

Sometimes I get a little obsessive compulsive, so hopefully this doesn't become one of the things I get OCD about. It has already become a thing I'm doing instead of a thing I should be doing - like being at work (in my defense I am recovering from a near fatal case of the flu or some other disgusting bug) or vacuuming the floors or putting away the dishes from last night. Oh I made the best dinner last night - enchiladas with spanish rice and pineapple salsa with home made corn chips. Not that I like to toot my own horn or anything but it was DELISH.  Back to what I was talking about, I can get a little OCD about stuff so hopefully I won't be spending too much time on here. I also have a small case of ADD, so I apologize in advance for that too.

Anyhow, I just wanted to let everyone know that I'm starting this thing, so stay tuned for the next time my mind starts rambling and I feel the need to write about it. Have fun!