Technology

I wish I had a time machine.

 

I read these stories on findadeath.com, like the story of Lizzie Borden, and how in another time it was so easy and so hard to do stuff, all at the same time. For example, in the olden days (and I’m not going to all research happy, so don’t think I only mean this about the 1890’s or anything) I bet it sucked to take a shower. Or bath, whatever it was back in those days. It probably sucked living in hot places too, since there was no AC. It probably sucked when you spilled old paint on your dress and you have to burn it instead of just using some Shout to get it out. That rhymed. But anyway, in the case of Lizzie Borden, it was easy for her to kill her parents (or should I say father and step mother) because back in the day there weren’t any forensics with DNA or anything like that. Plus she was a Sunday school teacher, so no way would she brutally hack her parents with an axe. That’s absurd. So, I’m saying, life in general probably sucked ass back in the day because you didn’t have stuff like AC or a washing machine or tampons or a TV or paved roads or deodorant or God knows what else. But, one thing that was really easy was killing people and getting away with it. Or committing any crime, really. Not that I want to be a criminal or anything, I was just thinking about how nuts it is that this chick got off scott free even though she clearly did it, just because it was a long long time ago in an old, old wooden ship and no one wanted to convict such a nice young lady of murder. If I lived back in the day I’m sure I would have been a criminal of some sort. I probably would have stolen from bad people and gave it to the poor AKA myself like Robin Hood.

Those'r some sexy tights

 

Another reason I wish I had a time machine was so that I could go into the future and do really awesome things with the technology that will come out. Like, I imagine that in the future a car will be invented that doesn’t run on gasoline and is efficient as shit. For crying out loud, it is 2011, why the hell are we still pumping our cars with gas and changing tires and stuff? Really, car makers, get on that shit. Also, I think in the future there won’t be any more cell phones, it’s just going to be like a micro chip installed in your brain where all you have to do is think about calling someone and voila! You are connected with that person. Like telepathy, only you have to talk out loud. They’d have to do something crazy with that though, because I imagine that sounds inside your head are much much louder than sounds outside of your head. But perhaps the most exciting thing about the future is the eyeCamera. No, not the iCamera, the eyeCamera. I thought about this invention yesterday on my 50 mile drive home. I thought, wouldn’t it be really super neat if there was technology to turn your eyes into a camera? Forget having to carry that stuff around, turn it on, focus, push a button, blah blah blah. This (much like the installed-into-your-brain-phone) would be some thingie only better yet an external pack, like a ring you could wear could somehow to read the messages in your eye to your brain and capture it as a photograph. Then later, you could download all the images you’ve saved to whatever other awesome technology device. I do a lot of driving and see a lot of neat things I’d like to share while out there in the wilderness. Yesterday, the thing I saw that I wanted to share with everyone but didn’t want to take my hands off the wheel, turn on my phone, get to the camera ap, focus, and snap the shot all while driving, was one of those Big Wheels. This was a girl’s Big Wheels, which looked like a huge pink Barbie car. This Barbie car was strapped on the back of a ginormous trailer that had other really important looking cargo on it. It was cute. 

It’s just crazy how nowadays there is technology for everything, but somehow some things seem so NOT advanced. For example, my previous comments about the car. You would think they would have found a way to make a car efficiently run on electricity, or solar power, or air. SOMETHING! Plus it’s 2011 and I don’t want to have to do anything but THINK about doing something and I want it done. I don’t want to have to carry so many different things to do all things. I don’t want a phone and an iPod and a camera and a camcorder and a beeper and a Walkman and an 8 Track player and all the other things I carry. Then again maybe I’m just being CRAZY because a few short years (maybe decade(s)?) ago the general population relied on maps to find out where they were going, or they got written directions from a friend to find their house. Then Mapquest came out and you could look up addresses online and all you had to do was print the directions out and THEN the magical moment came out when GPS started appearing on cell phones and now you don’t have to know, remember, or write shit when you want to go somewhere. You just type or say the destination and then that lady tells you where to go. Soon, I bet, you won’t’ even have to know how to drive but the GPS lady will magically control your car to get you where you’re going. Now THAT would be the most awesome thing ever, because then I could get an extra 45 minutes of sleep every morning before work instead of steering and shifting and turning and gassing and breaking and all that other junk you gotta do while driving. So, all in all there are some really awesome things about technology NOW but I can’t wait to see what’s coming in the future. Like, I wonder when I’m an old crusty lady if I’ll think back and be like “OMG ICR TT WY HT UACFF!! ROTFL!!!” which means “Oh my gosh I can remember the time when you had to use a computer for facebooking! Really outrageously totally fuckingly lame!” but really I would just be thinking about those letters and that would send a telepathic message to my contacts and everyone I know as a funny little status update.

 

That’s enough about technology. Don’t steal my ideas or when I am an old crusty lady, I will SYSMFA. I dare you to ask me what that one means.

Only my boobs will be saggier.

 

In other recent news, this week was a really long and hard week. And when I say long and hard, that’s not a good way. My domestic partner had to work from Phoenix Tuesday through Friday and let me tell you, the missing him part totally fucking sucked. I told a few people about it – you know, the usual – my sisters and my black twin. And shockingly (not really), my sisters acted like it ain’t no thang. Like I was over reacting about being away for SO LONG from the man I love! Well just so you all know, I love him with all my heart and I enjoy every second I have for him AND (here’s the cherry on top) I have waited 24 years for him, so now that I have him, I want him all the time!!! Ok there’s my cheesy rant. But, I learned some new things while on this long hard journey of loneliness. I know you probably think “really? That’s really cheesy, you were only alone for 4 days” but it’s true. I don’t do a whole lot of thinking, usually because it’s mostly a bunch of incoherent, illogical thoughts, but also because when I’m not alone I’m usually doing something. I had the chance to just be by myself and think and still do stuff, but without a whole lot of external stimulation. Most of my thinking happens when I’m alone - like driving in the car (but that’s not very much either because I’m usually singing at the top of my lungs in the car) or taking a shower (again, I’m usually singing at the top of my lungs while showering). But, because I didn’t want a chupacabra or a killer to get into my house and chop me up into a million little pieces, I tried to keep the house kind of quiet, which allowed for a lot of thinking time. PS, I also had a lot of time to watch Kenan and Kel, which is probably one of the greatest shows in history. I highly recommend you DVR it to watch when you're bored. PS. I had a massive crush on Kel and I wished I was orange soda so he would love me.

Anyway, I would like to make a list, because making lists is one of my favorite things, of "Being Alone Means" So, here goes. Being alone means:


1. Not having to be a lady. I acted like a total slob and didn't feel guilty about it. I also didn't shave my legs or armpits the entire time. If you stay home from school today, you can help me shave my aaahmpits.


2. Making sure the doors are locked - even the garage door. When my domestic partner is home, I'm not that scared of chupacabras or robbers, because if one comes in the house, he'll bust 'em all up.


3. Not cooking - I ate like crap (and felt like crap afterward) but being home alone means you don't have to worry about making food for someone else. BUT I don't mind cooking for someone else too, it's actually easier that way and I tend to eat better when I don't have the option of eating nasty ass Safeway egg rolls every night. 


4. Watching whatever you want on TV. My TV programming consisted of Rocko's Modern Life, Kenan & Kel, and America's Next Top Model. All of which are shows I'm pretty much not allowed to watch in the presense of The Man. I think it's because he doesn't appreciate:
     a. Cartoons
     b. Black humor
     c. Great hair, makeup, and photography and their effects on modern literature. I mean what a chick looks like.

5. Waking up only once. When you sleep with someone, it's not always that you wake up at the same time. Unfortunately, my poor, poor domestic partner has to wake up at like 5:12 in the morning to be to work on time.  I, on the other hand, could give two shits about punctuality, therefore I wake up somewhere between 5:30 and 7:00 am. It doesn't bother me to wake up twice, because I get to enjoy the beautiful view of him getting into the shower AND getting a kiss goodbye. On Wednesday morning, though, I was still dreaming when my alarm went off and it was the first time in a long time that the sound of my alarm was integrated into the plot of my dream. I think I was on a game show or something.

6. Turning up the thermostat 2 degrees. My man is like my own personal heater. When I get a little chilly at night (which is actually quite often because I sleep in just undies and a tank most nights, and the vent points right at my face) all I have to do is scoot a little closer to that sweet man and I am instantly warm (and sweaty). I had to put socks on to sleep this week too, which I usually only do in the wintertime.


7. Being lonely. I haven't felt lonely in a long time, and although I hate the feeling, it makes it that much sweeter when he comes back.

8. Intensified hearing. When you are a chick and it's dark and you're home alone, everything is louder and everything sounds like a chupacabra or a robber busting in. I heard the sound of a larger-than-normal drop of water hitting the shower floor while showering and I nearly screamed because I thought it was an elbow hitting the wall outside the shower. I got scared. 


9. Turning on a light along the way to a dark room. I don't know why but everything is like, 10 times scarier when you're alone. Especially the dark. 


10. Finally getting some cleaning and laundry done because there isn't a juicy piece of eye candy waiting to cuddle on the couch. 


11. Last but not least, thinking too much. Sometimes I seriously get sick of the sound of my own voice in my head. I honestly say to myself, just shut up, Michelle! Then I get scared I'm turning into that creepy lady at work that constantly whispers angrily to herself. Only, I *think* I only tell myself to shut up in my head and not out loud. Then, I remember that Lady Gaga says "Don't bully yourself" then I have to apologize to myself and before you know it, I'm having a full on conversation with myself. Yikes...


Well, that's all. I'm pretty tired, I think I'll go home now.