Do You Think I'm Lookin' Hot?

Maybe you guys don't know this about me but I love Gwen Stefani. I think she the beauty of a woman at its best. I've been on a No Doubt / Gwen Stefani kick lately and I have been listening to their albums in the bathroom and on my commute to and from work. I like all of the albums, some more than others but what I wanted to talk about here is how honest my woman crush Gwen is in her songs. She lets her crazy hang all out and she doesn't even care. And you know what? It's beautiful. Some of my favorite ND/Gwen songs are the ones where she lays out her insecurities allllll out there. Probably because at some point or another in my life, or every single solitary day, I can relate. 

Can you tell I'm faking it? But I want to be myself
A counterfeit disposition
Can't be good for my health
So many different faces
Depending on the different phases
My personality changes
I'm a chameleon
There's more than one dimension
I can fool you and attract attention
Camouflage my nature
Let me demonstrate...

Makeup's all off
Who am I?
Magic's in the make up
Who am I? 

This one is called "Magic's in the Makeup" and let me tell you, I can relate to this one figuratively and literally. I admit that I clean up well when I do my hair and makeup, but seriously I am too afraid to ever post a picture of myself on a working from home day, and it is a cold day in hell when I go out in public sans makeup. I look like a troll on it's deathbed. My makeup is my security blanket and my goal is to get a new face sometime in the near future. Figuratively, I can change my poker face or my personality depending on my mood or the audience. Sometimes it's a blessing and sometimes I scare myself. If you are one of the lucky few that know me even without my "makeup" you have seen every good bad and fugly side of me. You're welcome. And I'm sorry.

I just want to take you away from everyone
And keep you stashed under my pillow
And then I'd take you out simply for my own pleasure
And wear you when the occasion's special
Then I'd put you on like a diamond
So I can sparkle and be the envy of my friends
I'd proudly hold the leash that I'd have you on
So you can't stray and follow me around all day

That lovely piece of stage five clinger is "Too Late". This song is so pretty but when I listen to the lyrics, it can hit close to home. There are times when I feel very clingy and selfish and I've told my domestic partner several times that I wish I could hide him away in my pocket and take him every where I go and take him out when I want a kiss or a cuddle. Creepy I know. But I also feel very possessive over other things too. Like my specific flavors of yogurt or cereal I get for myself. Or work I do that I want credit for. This one goes way deeper than these superficial examples and I could write a whole blog just for that verse up there.

Ok now, I understand he's on his way now

But geez Louise, I mean today now

I can't wait, I wanna play now

I'm antsy, bubble pop electric pansies

My sweet tooth, I want your candy

The Queen of Eng' would say it's "randy"

  

That would be "Bubble Pop Electric" by Gwen. Sometimes, I just really need to get banged.

You had the best
But you gave her up
'Cause dependency might interrupt
Idealistic will so hard to please
Put your indecisive mind at ease
You broke the set
Now there's only singles
There's no looking back
This time I mean it

"Happy Now" by ND is the anthem for all of our exes that should remember that what they did that made our hearts break totally sucks and that they are stupid motherfuckers for letting go of the best thing that ever happened to them. Good luck with finding anyone who is even half as awesome as I am. I hope you're happy now. 

Such a cute girl, I'm so jealous

I wish I looked exactly like her

What's it like to have that body?

I'm gawking while I wonder

"Staring Problem" aka exactly how I feel about Gwen and a good percentage of chicks at the gym. Things I wish I had and am totally jealous of: perfect skin and cellulite free legs that are the same goddamn size. I know we're supposed to love ourselves and not compare ourselves to other women but seriously, some women are sofa king hot that you can't help but stare and wish you had the qualities she does. Little do I know maybe she's looking at me wishing she had my hair or teeth or fivehead.

This shit is bananas

B-A-N-A-N-A-S!

Enough said.  

The army of words is in me
Silent the soldier weeps
Lying here back to back
Waiting for you to be react

Sometimes all I need is a good push
Roll over and whisper some goodness
Go on baby you be the hero
Now can we go back to zero?

"Start the Fire" by ND describes perfectly how stupidly stubborn I can be. I hate having a fight with anyone and when it's all said and done even though I want the other person to make the first move and say "I'm sorry" the whole time I know I'm wrong too and it's only a matter of time before we kiss and make up. If my partner and I fight, I am just being stupid 9 times out of 10 and the next morning my stupidity is gone and I say let's go ahead and forget that ever happened and I'm sorry now let's make out.

Go ahead and look at me
‘Cause that’s what I want
Take a good look won’t you please
‘Cause that’s what I want

I know you wanna stare
You can’t help it and I don’t care
So look at me
‘Cause that’s what I want

"Lookin' Hot" because when I do my hair and makeup I am hot n boss n have all the right curves in all the right places and YUP I IS FINE. Especially after 4 tequila sunrises. So when I take the time to look good, I want you to notice. Otherwise we take two steps backwards and end up at "Staring Problem".

I'd get me four Harajuku girls to
Inspire me and they'd come to my rescue
I'd dress them wicked, I'd give them names
Love, Angel, Music, Baby
Hurry up and come and save me

 

 "Harajuku Girls" by Gwen. I have one question. Who doesn't want an Asian posse? 

And finally, because me and my woman crush Gwen are really just suckers for love:

Run
Running all the time
Running to the future
With you right by my side

Me
I'm the one you chose
Out of all the people
You wanted me the most...

Be
Be the one I need
Be the one I trust most
Don't stop inspiring me
Sometimes it's hard to keep on running
We work so much to keep it going
Don't make me want to give up...

Running, running
As fast as we can
I really hope we'll make it
We're running
Keep holding my hand
It's so we don't get separated 

     

Knibb High Football Rules

Hi.

So, I have this problem where I'm my mother's child which means I am a worry wart. I worry so bad that sometimes it causes anxiety or panic attacks and I really hate it. A lot. A while back I googled ways to tame worry, and a lot of them worked. There was this one site about Buddhism or Shmalahalalasismssh and how one of their proverbs or way of thinking is "drive all blames to one" or something like that which basically means you make your own problems. It's my own fault I'm a worry wart because I'm just thinking the worst for no reason and need to knock it off. So in my search for how to stop being such an asshole, I came across this list of 30 things to stop doing to yourself. I also read somewhere that we as humans are pretty dumb and just like animals, we respond to positive feedback or statements instead of negative ones. So I'm going to flip my favorite ones into positive instructions so that I can come back to this and read it when I'm losing my mind. Which, unfortunately, is quite often.

1. Spend time with the right people. An old boss told me about the crabs in a bucket syndrome. Apparently, if you are a fisherman and put crabs into a bucket you don't have to worry about putting a lid on the bucket because the crabs will just pull each other down instead of working together so all of them can get out to freedom. Some people like to pull others down because they are unhappy. My life partner always tells me he wants to surround himself with people that will make him better. I think that's a good idea. Positivity can breed positivity just like negativity can poison your whole life. 

2. Deal with your problems. No matter how shitty they are and how much it may suck, ignoring your problems doesn't make them go away. Avoiding problems just makes them bigger and uglier and hairier when you finally decide to deal with them. Plus, when you deal with your problems, it makes dealing with other problems not so horrible. 

3. Be honest.  Lying does no one any good. Then you have to remember which lies you told to whom and what you said and when and that also sucks.

4. Take a chance. Sometimes we are afraid of trying something because we feel we are not ready. Yeah well if you were ready for everything that'd be kind of boring/ Also, nothing is worse than looking back and thinking "what if?" I think it's way better to try and fall short than never try at all. I always like to step back and think of absolute worse case scenario when I am afraid of trying something. If "death" is not the worse case scenario, then I've got pretty much nothing to lose.

5. Be happy for yourself. Ok, so on the original blog, this one was "Stop feeling sorry for yourself". This is a big one for me. Being a Libra, it's pretty much programmed into my code to throw myself a pity party every now and again. It's really super lame and I hate it when it happens. For example, yesterday I got in a shitty ass mood because I was sucking it up at the golf range. Then I have an internal conversation with myself: Are you kidding me right now, Michelle? Stop being such a little cry baby bitch! You live in America! You own golf clubs! People lose everything every day and you are in a bad mood because you couldn't get a god damn ball in the god damn air. Shut UP!  The moral of the story here is that whatever problem you think you have or whatever stupid ass trigger gets your panties in a bunch, there is always someone that has it worse than you. Be happy for the good things in your life.

6. Let go of hate. Again, a big one for me. I am normally a very kind and forgiving person, but I find it extremely difficult to let go of a grudge once it takes its hold on me. If I lose trust in someone it's nearly impossible for them to gain it again. But, going back to the whole "drive all blames to one" it's my fault I hate someone, and I should not let that affect my quality of life. There is nothing good that comes from hating another person. There is a quote that apparently no one knows just who said it that sums it up very nicely: "Resentment is like swallowing poison and waiting for the other person to die". Yup.

7. Let it out! Cry your eyes out every once in a while. You'll feel a lot better once the tears and snot are out.

8. Think positively! For about four or so years now, I have been using The Secret. Although I've never actually read about it and all I know is that Oprah talked about it or something, what I took away from the rumblings is that if you want something, think and speak as though it is going to happen. Lo and behold, it works. My life has drastically changed since June 5, 2009... Of course there were other things that drove to major change but honestly, saying I WILL BE HAPPY and I WILL DO THE THINGS I NEED TO FIND MY HAPPINESS really helped. A lot.

Those were my favorite 8 things on that list. You can read the full list of 30 or make up your own if you want. It's fun. The Eight World Wonders. I am not perfect. I still have panic attacks where I think the world is collapsing. I still have episodes of extreme guilt. I still let stupid things bring me down. I still get angry and hold grudges over things that really should be insignificant. I guess the fun part about being an imperfect human is that there is always room for improvement. 

K bye!

I Did It Again

I forgot to blog again for almost a year. I am apparently not a very good blogger.

Last time I blogged my domestic partner and I were searching for a house to live in and I just found out I had to go through the short sale process on mine. I also just got a new job. Well, here's another update blog then hopefully I can back to serious things.

It took going through over 200 houses online, countless viewings, and 4 failed offers before we found The One. J and I had been sharing the load of going to look at houses, so he went to go see one and decided we would both love it enough to put an offer in. Just so you know, everyone in Phoenix has like a gagillion dollars and likes to buy up all the houses before anyone who actually needs a place to live can buy one. So, that being the case, we had to make a move quick. J put in an offer, and I went to see the house the next day or something. I liked the house, and a short while after, I got a call from our real estate agent saying that our offer was finally accepted!

I had to go searching for J at the gym (he had taken Annie to swim lessons) because of course he never listens to me when I tell him he must have his cell phone with him at all times when we are not together in the event of an emergency since I am so accident prone. Well of course he left his cell in the car, so I had to go searching for him to tell him the good news. What seemed like years later, we finally moved into our beautiful new home.  We have since dumped way too much money into it and removed the douchey bushes from in front of that window. We have painted the interior and the exterior, because we hate douchey colors and don't like to feel like we live in a hospital with nothing but white walls. This spring we will landscape the front and get rid of the godawful lava rock. Yes, I said lava rock. The house was built in 1987 and the only thing left over that proves it is the landscape. More pictures to come if I ever blog again.

Then there was the debacle of going through the short sale on my house. It was put on the market and within 5 days I had a buyer. Bank of America (whom I hate, see previous posts) took forever and ever and ever and ever processing everything, as did my stupid idiot of an ex, so the buyers backed out. Luckily, I had a cash buyer come right after that then the process went much faster. I put my house up for sale in June, and the sale finally closed November 1st. The whole experience sucked hard, but it wasn't as bad as it could have been, I guess. I am so glad that I no longer have the house and although it was lovely, it was too far away from any god damn thing. Well, every god damn thing except one of my best friends. :( 

In the meantime, I was trying to learn the ropes at my new job as a contractor business analyst. That part sucked. I was never ever ever ever ever busy and everyone on my team seemed like they were a bigger idiot than I was. My boss was not my favorite person ever (to say the least) and worst of all, it was back and forth on whether I was going to be hired on full time or not. I began to wonder if I made a mistake by leaving Coventry. I started applying for lots of other jobs and had a bunch of interviews. I started getting pretty sick and tired of going to interviews and talking about the same gd thing every gd time. Plus I think I'm not a very good interviewer. If I'm asked about something I have no clue about, I say I don't have a clue about it and when asked why I was looking for a new job I'd say it's because I was tired of getting dicked around and wanted to work for a company that actually wanted me to work there. Then, I found out that another team at my same company needed help. I had an interview with that manager, and lo and behold she fell instantly head over heels for me, and I her. There were twinkle in our eyes and fireworks exploding everywhere. Before I knew it, I was going to be a REAL BOY and not a contractor anymore!

So.....I was in the process of getting all of my paperwork together to prove that I am a citizen of 'Merica and all that stuff. I went to the office on one of my working-from-home days to make copies of my passport and junk. When I came home, I walked in on a bunch of asshole pricks robbing me and my domestic partner of things that we have worked so hard to earn. I came in and saw that my beloved Beats by Dr. Dre was sitting on the floor in the hall when it should have been in the bathroom safe and sound. In that moment, everything stopped and I got that scary sound that they play in scary movies when something really creepy happens, and realized OH FUCK someone is in the house. Now, because I was such a sissy little teeny girl and was afraid of getting mugged/raped/murdered any time J wasn't by my side, we took self defense classes at Reality Defense Training so that I could learn how to defend myself should an ugly situation arise. Well, am I ever glad I did. The training helped me keep calm.

I went to the kitchen and grabbed the biggest knife available (I usually carry one on me but was an asshole that day and didn't grab it) and ran outside to see if I could find anyone. I had my phone and dialed 911 and told the lady what was going on. I went around the front of the house where a brand new beautiful Tahoe was waiting at my side wall to pick up their prick friend they left behind. I didn't see anyone involved, and the Tahoe took off like a bat out of hell. The whole situation was really scary and the truck circled back around about 3 times before the cops finally showed up. We were extremely fortunate that I came home at the exact time I did. I ended up scaring the thieves off and they only made off with my costume jewelry (which still sucks hardcore) and my old stupid cell phone (also kinda sad because I had love texts and pictures on there from my Jeff).

Needless to say though I was pretty shaken up after that for a while then there was the aftermath of dealing with the insurance claim and getting our doors repaired and turning our home into what some have called a "fortress" so that motherfuckers don't try to break in again. The nerve of some bitches. Really, to not have a soul or a conscience to look at our family pictures and not stop for ONE SECOND and think "this is the family I'm stealing from". Bastards.

So now, here we are...several months later. J and I are still learning a lot in our new roles and getting better and better at our jobs every day. We have Annie a lot more now (we only need to add one more day in order to have her 50%) and are continuing to enjoy life. I miss my friends and family every day and wish we were closer. I am terrible at visiting Benson and Sierra Vista but I'm hoping that now that things have calmed down, I can make more of an effort to visit the other people that are very important in my life. I have also decided to stop being such a jerk and go back to college. It's been almost 10 years since I graduated high school and I have been doing quite well for myself despite not finishing college. Well I have been dealt a very fortunate hand and I am not going to take it for granted. It's time for me to get a degree and check that box. As a wise man once said, "Yahoo for school! Yahoo for me!.... I'm gonna go to college!"

Click Me!

Everybody's Changin and I Don't Feel the Same

Well, it's kind of been a while. And when I say "a while" I mean the  last time I was on here was Thanksgiving. That's sucky of me, isn't it? So much has happened since then. 

For starters, I don't work well with the males, cause I used to be one.

Let's see...In December, it was kind of cold and Christmas happened. It was grand, and I got everything I asked Santa for and more, including a Beats by Dr. Dre which I LOVE SO HARD it is one of the best things ever and I always use it and I love music and singing and dancing all day long during everything. January through February were also kind of cold and nothing major really happened. Oh wait, yes there was one thing. My domestic partner surprised me with the news that he had applied for jobs in Phoenix. I knew that the time would come that he would want to do that and eventually move to Phoenix to be close to his daughter, I just didn't know it would be so soon. After several panic attacks and a lot of crying and freaking out, I decided he wasn't worth my anxiety and told him to move out. 

Just kidding. He went through several interviews with four different companies, and during that time, he kept saying how he wasn't going to get a job and this was just practice and blah blah. I tried to remind him of how awesome he is as an employee and how every employer that didn't want him must be really dumb. Well, one week in March he got 3 job offers from 3 different companies and would have had a fourth if the manager had come back from some other country in time. So, it happened, I won the bet that said he would book every job because he's that good. Now what was I to do? I panicked and cried and freaked out, and told him to GO AHEAD AND MOVE WITHOUT ME!

Just kidding again. I asked my boss if I could transfer to the Scottsdale office for this life change. I told him that not only do I plan on staying with my domestic partner, I was also planning on moving to a real city so I wouldn't have to drive 500 miles (literally) a week and would also go back to school. I just didn't know it was going to happen tomorrow. So, after a "maybe" I had another panic attack and decided to upload my resume to dice.com. After three weeks of waiting nervously and being a stressed out mess about it, my boss said that it was a go to move to Scottsdale. 

I like how the new ones are in tiny neat little square packets

Jeffrey and I moved to Phoenix the second week in April into an apartment his bomb.com company is paying for which is surrounded by these pretty yellow lantanas. By April 16th, I was working in the Scottsdale office. It's a lonely office. I sat in the IT section, so mostly by older guys and gals, and nobody ever talks to anyone and it's super duper quiet. And old and crusty. About two weeks later, I got a call from a guy named Mr. Broman from an IT recruiting company, and said there was an awesome opportunity just for me. At first, I was like, guy, I already have a job. But he was like "Trust me, you will like this opportunity". So I told my domestic partner about it and he was like, "You should never turn down an interview" and since he is the smartest man I know, I listened to him. I had a phone interview with the hiring manager and lo and behold, I got an offer the very next morning. Needless to say I was surprised and caught off guard, but this was an offer I could not turn down. After approving my move to Scottsdale, my boss would soon get the news that I would be quitting. 


It sucked putting in my two weeks notice, because I really did love my boss and my job. I also loved my role model, Michele A who will forever hold a special place in my heart. There were several people who were sad about it, several people who couldn't care less, and several people who probably still don't know I'm gone. I start my new job on Monday and I'm not really nervous because I'm pretty out of energy because of the running around and all the anxiety attacks and stuff, but I'm sure come Monday morning, I'll be all bubble gutty. I just hope I do well and wow the new people so they'll love me and hire me on full time.


That's job news. Congratulations to me for being an awesome phone interviewer and capturing the heart of the one person it mattered to.


In life news - I'm kind of tired. The past month has been really hectic and I have forgotten what a luxury it is to live in your own house instead of an apartment with none of your stuff. Because I love making lists so much, here is a list of things that suck about living in an apartment after knowing the joy of living in your own home:


1. The sheer terror of thinking you are being bombed then realizing that the man upstairs is vacuuming
2. Having to go back and forth three times to your car to unload groceries in 105 degree weather (it's only going to get hotter)
3. Kind of related to #2 - No garage which means your car is dusty all the time and oh, hot.
4. Also related to #2 and #3 - Having to use the front door. I am sick to death of using a key!
5. Not  having any of our stuff which means cooking with shit ass pots and pans and utensils that are all bendy and can't even break up ground turkey and a baking pan that can't even fit one GD pizza on it
6. Sweeping and mopping
7. White walls
8. Sucky couches
9. Tiny TV that gives me a headache because the people's faces are so tiny they're blurry
10. That stinky smell in the sink that will NOT go away


But you know what? It's free so you can take that list and shove it right up my ass. I can't complain because we're not paying for dick and aside from that list up there (which I realize now makes me sound like a spoiled brat) this complex is absolutely beautiful and has the best pool ever EVER! It has a beach and everything that smells like urine and has cigarette butts in it too! No but really, the pool is bomb.com

That beach has real sand!

It's been hard trying to find a house. There have been a few that we really liked and wanted to buy, one in particular, but as soon as we put an offer in, so did 16 other people and we were beat by people with cash offers. The housing market in Phoenix is really freakin nuts right now. People are all frantic and putting their house on sale and then buyers are even more frantic and buying them up like they're hot cakes or something. It's ridiculous. I just really hope that we will get a house because nothing is better than walking through your door (preferably your garage door (: ) into a house that feels like home. 


Speaking of which, I just found out two days ago that I have to try to short sell my house. I'm not that excited about it because the real estate agent said it's a really long, drawn out and very stressful process. And, I'll have to keep paying my mortgage throughout the process which also sucks hardcore. It would be nice to pay mortgage on a house that I actually live in. But, such is life I suppose and this is another big ugly speed bump, but it will be over eventually. Just keep your fingers crossed for us because we can take all the good fortune we can get!

Gobble Gobble Goo and Gobble Gobble Gickle

I'm gonna eat that poor turkey

I wish turkey only cost a nickel. BUT it doesn't. Last year, the Domestic Partner bought two 24 pound turkeys for only SIX dollars each. Yes six, not sixty. We got 48 pounds of delicious bird for only $12.00 measly dollars. It was grand. This year we couldn't find such a great deal, but still it was pretty good.

Anyhoo, today is Thanksgiving. Thanksgiving is pretty much one of the best inventions ever, and although I don't believe that horseshit of pilgrims and Native Americans playing nice, I still love love love the holiday. I am a fat kid on the inside, and there is nothing better than a day of guilt-free gluttony. Ok, well I still do kind of feel guilty because there are a lot of families that can't afford a Thanksgiving feast. But, I'm not here to talk about all the things that make me sad, I'm here to talk about Thanksgiving. On Thanksgiving, you're supposed to talk about everything that you are thankful for. Well, since I am a cold hearted bitch, I'm going to talk about all the things I'm bitter about for not having. Just kidding, I'm no different than the rest of the USofA that talks about it. So here I go.

Wait, before I start, there is one thing that I'm NOT thankful for on Thanksgiving, and that's raw turkey. Poultry is so so so so gross raw. I hate how it's all slimy and stinky and leaks that light tan stinky sticky juice that causes dysentery or some junk. It's totally gross and my Domestic Partner makes fun of me for being so anal about cleanliness and not getting raw turkey juice everywhere. Today I asked him to poke it because I didn't know if it was thawed enough yet, and it was still in the package, and he thought I was nuts for asking (actually demanding) that he wash his hands before going back to working on the computer. "Look," I said, "I don't want my man or me to die of salmonella!" The end.

Now, for the real reason I was going to blog (which by the way I know that I have been severely neglectful of my blogging duties, however the laptop was sick with a Ukrainian virus, hence it was at PC Solutions getting fixed) which is to talk about why I am so thankful. Here are the things I am thankful for, in no particular order.

 I am thankful for the people in my life. I have a great family who has always loved me even though I am weird and gangly and suck at keeping in touch. Both of my parents are still alive and they are really nice and stay out of my personal life. My family truly knows the meaning of unconditional love, that that is really neat. I am thankful that my brothers aren't over protective jerks but I know that if I asked them to, they would beat anyone up for me. There aren't enough words to explain how thankful I am for my sisters - they are my best friends and are always there for me in times of need. They are so funny and loving and I couldn't ask for better sisters. I am thankful for my boyfriend. Who knows where I would be without him. He is truly wonderful-the very meaning of a partner. He's got my back no matter what and loves me for who I am, even though I may not be a 10 or have a cellulite free ass. He puts up with my bullshit, and doesn't run away screaming when my psycho hormones take over. He is one of the funnest people I have ever met, and I enjoy every second by his side. Like he tells me, I have met my match. I am thankful for my two best friends in the wide world, Aidalys and Carina. They have been the friends who have stuck by me in the shittiest times ever, and the ones I can get into trouble with and know that no one will ever know about it. (Well, Adam might find out about it, but that's what happens when you're also married to your BFF, you have to tell him everything ;)) They make me laugh and are honest, even if what they have to say isn't what I want to hear. We can tell each other when we're being assholes, and can go weeks without talking then pick right back up where we left off when we do get together. I heart you, people in my life.

I am thankful for my health. I don't get sick very often, and my biggest complaint is that I've been getting headaches and migraines more frequently lately, but aside from that, I'm pretty much in ship shape. I am thankful that I don't have to deal with a chronic, or worse, terminal illness, my body isn't broken, and I can do things for myself without assistance.

I am thankful that I am doing ok financially, but not so okay that I forget to appreciate material things or necessities in life. I have never been rich by any means, mostly I've been poor or broke, so I appreciate the fact that I can pay my bills on time and have food at the table. There are so many people who struggle, and I am extremely grateful that I have a warm bed to sleep in every night. I am thankful that I grew up the way I did, because it taught me the value of working hard and the value of a dollar.

I am thankful for my job. Sometimes I get bored but then I realize I have a pretty freakin awesome job. I'm not accountable to too much since I am a middle man. I don't have to deal with the public, I don't take phone call after phone call, and I can show up and leave whenever I need to. I have a boss that stays out of my hair, but still helps me when I need it. I have a super quiet cubicle, and I don't sit too close to any assholes. Considering I chose not to go to college, I make a decent salary that could support me alone if I really needed it to.

I am thankful for my car. The Versa is so dependable and has never given me a headache, ever. I see people broken down on the side of the road, and think about how much it would suck if that happened to me, because aside from calling my insurance company or the Domestic Partner for help, I would have no clue what to do. I still wish it was an autobot, though.

I am thankful for my happiness. It's taken me a little bit to get here, but I am truly happy. I wish that everyone were as happy as I am - I honestly believe that the world would be a better place if that were the case.

I am thankful that I live in a country that doesn't make be live a certain way or believe in a certain god, or suppress me for being a woman or even give a shit if I don't vote. I am thankful that I can say whatever I want wherever I want (well I take that back, I can't say "bomb" on a plane or "fire" in a theater). I think I would be a very UNhappy person if the government told me how to live.

I am thankful for:

Chipotle

Nail polish

The internet

Cereal

Smart phones

Latex gloves

Potatoes

Music

Air Conditioning

Wal Mart

Police

Sushi

Dildos

Movies

DVR

Rainbows

Gnomes

My bed

and lots and lots and lots of other millions and trillions of things

Happy Thanksgiving, everyone!!

This Wouldn't Happen If I Had A Penis!

Oh, where do I begin? The other day I posted a status on Facebook about how sometimes it really sucks being a woman. If you are not a woman, aka a man, you will never ever understand what it is like, and congratulations, because lots of times, it sucks. I think in this clip, (click on the link)while Leslie Knope explains why/how she shot her boss Ron Swanson (who is, by the way, the best made for TV character EVER) in the head, she is really just reciting normal thoughts that run through our womanly minds every day. Yes, it is true. We are bat-shit crazy.

As I write this blog, I want you to know that some part of me (the vagina) is speaking for all women. If some chick claims not to be crazy on some level, or at least sometimes, she is lying to you. I don't mean to be this way, I really don't. Neither do 95% of women. There is a 5% though, that are just crazy bitches and there's nothing else to it. It's those 5% that us 95% look at and think wow, that bitch is CRAZY. Anyway, I usually get my craziest around "that time of the month". Seriously, hormones fucking suck and if you say that can't be an excuse, you have never experienced it. When a woman is being overtaken by her psychotic hormones, there is NOTHING she can do to stop whatever it is she is doing. I can't help myself from eating really crappy food. Other times, I can't help myself from crying while watching Disney movies. But what I really really HATE is when I act crazy for no damn reason. Or when I start talking nonsense, and while I'm talking, the inside of my head is saying SHUT UP YOU ARE TALKING CRAZY AND ANNOYING and I just can't stop talking because the insanity has taken over.

Being an emotional basket case is really frustrating. I haven't had an outburst in a very, very long time of anger, but lately it's been that I can't control being sad or whiny or just a baby in general. REALLY annoying. I can't help that my feelings are hurt at the stupidest things ever or that I get sad at songs or commercials that aren't really sad at all. No, I'm not pregnant, so if you were thinking that, you are first of all insane because I've come up with a list of about 184,784,657,013 reasons of why I don't want kid(s), but also because I take birth control religiously. I've talked to my domestic partner about it, and I'm pretty sure it's a culmination of a lot of things, but I feel like I'm slowly getting out of this phase. Which is good, because if I didn't, I'd have to kick my own ass.

When I was around people I didn't like all the time (when I worked in the previous department I was in), I would have bouts of anger which usually ended up in me cussing a lot or storming off with smoke piping out from every hole in my body in sheer rage. Now that I am around hardly anyone most of the time at work (I am a business analyst which means I am a individual contributor aka social outcast)[god damn it I just chipped my fucking nail polish which I JUST did] I find myself having these really crazy conversations with myself. Seriously, they are CRAZY. Like, I have these arguments with myself. Usually it's crazy Michelle talking to normal Michelle, and normal Michelle is always telling crazy Michelle "Seriously, just shut the fuck up already, you are ACTING CRAZY. You are being illogical and really pissing me the shit off" or something like that. It's kind of creepy, then I get nervous that I am one of those people that constantly whisper to themselves, because they don't realize they are actually whispering out loud because they are crazy. Well, now I am just sounding really crazy...Take it from me. If you are a man and you have a girlfriend or a wife or a boyfriend who thinks he is really a girl, I speak for all of us when I say:

I'm sorry for being crazy sometimes. I can't help it, and if you just give me a minute without judgement, I will be better. Hug me and give me something greasy to eat and I will be nicer a LOT faster.

In other news - I'm not 24 anymore! I had my golden birthday, and yes, it was just as glorious as having a golden shower. I had one of the most fabulous weekends of all time. It was full of sisters and friends and gays and music and dancing and drinking and domestic partner and love and gifts and and and all of the glitter and rainbows a girl could ask for. I have graduated into the next age bracket, which means I am officially no longer a kid. So in celebration of that, I am going to continue the tradition of Annoying Things People Older Than You Do and refer to anyone that kind of possibly looks like they may be younger than me as "kid". It will be grand. I watch Teen Mom, it's one of my guilty pleasures. Well Dr. Drew tells Farrah (who is one of my favorite moms even though her voice is atrocious and she is spoiled) that it's time she let go of her childhood. Well, luckily I didn't get knocked up when I was 16 so, I don't have to do that. Plus, when I think about it, I don't think I really had any childhood dreams. Hmm...Let's see. I always wished I was a centaur but I guess I let go of that childhood dream once I realized that you can't really "grow up" into another animal, real or fantastical...

Man, I just realized how I've never had any real goals in life. I guess now that I am a quarter of a century old, I should make some up.

Goal #1: don't have kids
Goal #2: win the lottery
Goal #3: become a centaur..wait, shit.